When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.
~ Byron Katie
Whenever I am pissed off, the latest being yesterday, I could see the familiar trail the ego takes to finally culminates itself in upset. It begins with wanting – and it all started from fear. I wanted my wife to stay cool over an event that I knew will blew my top if she reacts – there is an obvious fear here that I do not want history to repeat itself. Funnily, I already knew what is going to come, and I never take the step to be aware of myself, but instead try to fix what is out there. And this has been the same pattern occurring again and again – isn’t that insanity at its greatest height – expecting it to be different? And one of my teacher has a better way of doing it, instead of just being aware – just create what I will like the outcome to be instead of predicting what I am going to experience. I seldom heed his advice and thus I have to relearn again and again the stupidity of ignorance.
And as nature always is, I can’t stop my wife from reacting – and the next moment, before I knew it (or rather I already knew it beforehand), I was upset for the reaction. So my meditation teacher’s advice keeps ringing in my head – we can’t get what we want, what we get is only suffering. Arrgggh…. Then the wakeup call came – it is not because of her reaction that I am upset. It is the similar pattern of pathway that I have experienced over and over again that I am already knowing what is coming my way – irrelevant whether it comes from my wife or anyone else for that matter. What a bitter news!
Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.
– A Course In Miracles
And so I was with this upset for the reamining day, “lovingly” being with it – it was far from the truth. I was just kidding myself, as I could see how insidious and poisonous my words are whenever a conversation was held between me and her. It has the wanting of getting even – a revengeful thought, with an obnoxious facial expression, coupled with a deadly statement – a battle of revenge. How painful the mind was!
Evening came and I was doing a session of meditation. A child, brought along by her mother, was making some little “noise” from the pens she placed on the whiteboard holder, each time she changes a colour. Even that, the upset is directed at the child, and at the mother who brought her along. How horrendous the mind is! So it is exactly what Yeshua said: I am not upset for the reason I think it is. This reminder jolted me out from my delusional anger.
After a day of painful journey, a burning mind, an unresolved internal conflict, the fiery tiger turns into a weary kitten – tired and exhausted from the fight of the ego, from not taking responsibility for the delusion of grasping – a time for peace to enter, to apply what the old masters have taught – forgiveness. Forgiving the world for what they have not done. And there I was, seated stoically, reclaiming the power I have given out to the world, coming into peace with my own imaginary upset. I sat and sat until the moment I fully come into reconciliation of my own inflicted dis-ease – the so called “noise” that came from the child disappears, as she walks out from the meditation premise – indeed a miracle that comes from choosing from rightmindedness.
Indeed a lesson of love to choose correctly again…