Never mind the refund. Not even lodging a complaint. In the very first place, I didn’t even ask to be in this amusement park without having an end to it, where I can walk out as freely as I entered. Neither am I aware that getting my way out of this park is another game I need to figure out, besides what this park offers. It is not stated in the rules before I stepped into this darned nightmare.

Welcome to Elm Street or closer to a newer version of disillusionment, Inception, where dreams are carried into multidimensional layers. Isn’t that what life is all about? Obviously we can only know what we know and not know what we do not know and thus to have this latest movie at our local screen is a confirmation that we are so well-versed with this thing called life that we are able to create unimaginable, though not unfamiliar, stories out of it – while we await our turn to find our way home.

But who was I prior to entering this park? Or do I really exist except as a residual memory of disconnectedness? What if I was to find my ticket home, will I, at the very eleventh hour, resist? Though I am pretty tired of the games this park has to offer, yet there are many a times the happiness I get from the little experiences in between makes me feel otherwise.  But then again, after each exhilarating moments, I am left with an unanswered question of what’s next? The darn thing about it is that I keep forgetting. Seems like this is one of the many unseen rules that exists in this park – that makes me replay the game again and again, albeit in a fresh but yet not unfamiliar game, having similar endings of boredom that propels the what’s next idea popping up in my head.

The great thing about this park is that I am given the freedom to create my own game, along with the set of obvious rules I have to subscribe to. Mind you, the rules are further categorized into seen and unseen. The unseen rules are pretty tricky as they manipulate my perceptions and trap me further into the game.

The seen or obvious rules are four by default, where I am not able to manipulate and change – that there is a beginning and an end to each game, with in betweens of intermittent breakdowns and gradual degeneration. And if I were to play the game unfinished between these four, I have to continue a fresh game somewhere, someplace, somehow – within this borderless multidimensional confinement of the park and without having prior memories of what I have created. Well, we humans have cleverly coined the four as birth, death, sickness and aging to define the seen rules. These four rules are unavoidable. Other than these, everything goes.

One of the unseen rules, causal relationship of cause and effect is primarily the underlying condition to the whole theme of the park. It makes change possible. The word eternity though exist in our human language, does not exist in reality. It only defines a long period of unknown time without change in it. Where there is change, eternity is out of question as the game may get unimaginably unpredictable, unfolding or ending abruptly. Change creates the meaning of time and space, distance and length, forms and transitions. The four seen rules are governed by this primary unseen rule of cause and effect.

Due to the nature of these seen and unseen rules, hence there exist the seen and unseen experiences. For example, what can be seen may be pleasant, but yet in the unseen, the unpleasantness is lurking, unknown to the beholder. For that is the nature of occurrences in this game – that they exist in pairs, in duality opposites. The like and dislike seems to be the main reaction to each experience within the game. As the game unfolds itself unpredictably, the reactions unfold itself predictably within the confinement of both like and dislike in forms of desiring and resisting, holding on and pushing away, inclining or declining.

Rarely are there impartial responses to each experience in the game. But one thing I am certain; where there is impartiality experience of object and subject relationship, a shift is felt – the game seems to take on a twist – an ending of sort. For that I have to be aware, to be mindful of the play of the unseen rules, a force that propels me to go further. Once this force is understood, the ending journey of the game begins; the undoing of what I have created in unknown immemorial time. And as the tiny light is found at the end of the tunnel, I am seeing the possibility of ending the game within the game to find my way home safe – the home that is unconditioned, uncausal, uncreated, and eternity…

Related posts:

1. What a Seemingly Hellish Unavoidable Game!
2. My dear Good Old Friend
3. A Movie that I wish to get out

While driving back home from a function last evening my eyes caught on to a rear sticker of a car that read “forgive your enemies”. For a brief moment, I pondered on the silliness of that statement. Not that I am judgmental about what others have to say but rather after long being with the mind, knowing a little more about how it functions, I wonder how could it be possible at all to forgive someone that we are still labelling as enemy.

The world’s teaching, sad to say, religion without exception, be it in the past, even now, is consistently about doing. Are these statements too familiar to you – “I am caught in a tangle of trying to do, trying to live right. I don’t know how to not think or worry or control. I don’t know how to let go.”

Did you not start to realize that this voice has never failed in reminding you to keep doing? Yes, you need not even to remember, for you will be reminded again and again as if there is a confidant or confidante (if ever there is such a thing as a male or female inner voice) in each of us that tells us of what to do next – a private and confidential secretary of sort. Not that we are not forgetful – in fact majority of us are, for reasons we can’t comprehend of late as more and more people are complaining about forgetfulness – the thing we can’t forget, though we want it to, is the voice that keeps reminding us “what to do”, “how to do”. Have you not notice? If only this damned voice leave us to our peace and allow us a moment to savour what is in for us, NOW.

Instead of what or how to do next, which is about ignoring the present, we seldom stay in the moment and question what is going on or how and why is this happening. When we don’t pause and ponder on the present, we are only denying the present by covering up what becomes the past, allowing it to fester deeper. Instead of allowing the next step to arise from understanding, we make the next step a denial of what has occurred. To glimpse this eternal truth is the beginning of our integrity.

It doesn’t matter whether it is a thought of worry, anger, frustration, joy or happiness, so long as there is this sanity that allows us to recognize that each and every experience that comes into the our picture is an experience, not something for us to resist, to hold on to. Instead of taking the next step, we explore what is here for us. For each experience points the way to our cause, usually a dysfunctional cause. Experiences are merely effects of what our causes are churning out each moment. Only when we recognize the cause can we naturally change the course of our future. It cannot be otherwise as all changes can only occur through understanding, not through ignorance. Whatever resist, have to persist.

The journey of our inner spirit reminds us to pause and to remember that the voice in the head is merely a voice, an echo of the past or the future – devoid of essence except a resound. But this we forget. We forget to be mindful of the voice and instead fall into its prey. The voice of the ego seems to be more attractive than the voice of the spirit – never failing us at each moment whereas the spirit has to be recalled as if it is seldom there for us. Or is it because we choose not to listen?

We choose not to listen to the voice that says “enemy”. We choose not to listen to the voice that says “forgive”.  When we hear the voice in our head forgive your enemy, we are quick enough to jump in and do the necessary. We give the voice a gospel truth. The voice “enemy” confirms in us that the party is wrong. The voice “forgive” confirms that we are right. But no matter how hard we try to forgive, the voice “enemy” keeps popping up in our head. And we try a little more. We enlist ourselves in counselling, in workshops, in whatever courses we can grip on to release from the tyranny of this enemy. But where is the enemy except in our mind? And where is forgiveness except a voice in our head? So long as the voice keeps going, genuine forgiveness is impossible. So long as the meaning of enemy persists, unforgiveness has to follow. How can it be otherwise?

To forgive is to make another wrong, in our mind. Instead of healing our thoughts towards others, we condemn them to eternity, by forgiving them. Forgiving is not a doing, is not a thought but rather a realization stem from understanding of a situation. When all these conditions are met, genuine forgiveness arises naturally. The meaning “enemy” simply drops off from the mind without me needing to do anything about it. It does itself.

Hence the importance of staying present and to allow the inner spirit to guide me to understand the situation by giving myself the interest to know what is the cause of the voice in the head. Does the voice enemy have much to do with what I am not accepting? Has it much to do with what is against my ideal? Is there any truth to my truth? Does the voice forgiveness have to do with righteousness? That I am right and others are wrong? That I am compelled to pardon others for the wrong they have done instead of genuinely recognizing that what others have done is not something I could pardon except to understand? Who am I to pardon or even to judge, when I can’t even see the same infesting in me, albeit a different degree? That no matter how much pardon or forgiveness for another, those ideas have never left me? Forgiveness is for myself, not for another. I am my own Enemy, and no other. I have never left myself except in my own delusion.

I can’t do forgiveness. Forgiveness does me. When I meet with understanding, forgiveness unfolds. Forgiveness is none of my business, except my work in understanding the mind.

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1. Shedding Away the Old Skin
2. Super-duper Copy Cat
3. A Web Larger than the World Wide Web

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What begins, needless to say, has to continue, unless being interrupted. What has not been interrupted will continue to develop and transform, or mutate, and have its end result based from the original cause and what comes along with it. It is a determined path, a path that has all its prerequisites of what it has gathered along its way. Whereas where there is an interruption, the process itself is put off tangent from its otherwise fixed path and enters into a new horizon of potentiality, of new experiences all together.

This knowledge is common sense to me, and probably to you, as a reader, too. But strangely, when it comes to the mind, I am oblivious to this process also occurring in it. I seldom question the mind, seldom interrupt it, so to speak. And if I don’t question it, the mind will follow the path that it is used to. It cannot be otherwise. Each questioning or inquiry is an interruption to what the mind is predetermined to do. In other words, if I am experiencing a certain pattern in my life, I am already not questioning my mind. It can be an event, a situation, a relationship, or even the same note of emotion that seems to haunt me again and again in a certain familiar fashion whenever I am triggered. If this emotion is historically repeating, isn’t it common sense for me to realize that an old program is still running in me, irrelevant whether the storylines or dramas that unfold are different?

No, I don’t. I am ignorant to that. I don’t see it as common sense. Hence I don’t inquire within the mind. I keep solving it outside instead of addressing the mind – by fixing the world. I try to fix, and if it doesn’t work, I would gladly escape from each drama and go on with life, to be hit again by another; like a tsunami; albeit with a different storyline. There are times I am cornered with an issue, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and you know what? I give excuses, to buy time, hoping everything will be solved by itself. One of my favourite ways, which is what a guy normally does anyway, is to keep silent – a silent war within, though there seems to be a silent war without. But does it calm the situation? Fat hopes. When it comes again, as another wave of tsunami – shucks, the pain, the hurt, the agony, of those familiar emotions and again it is the routine of blaming whoever victim that is there for me to target. Come to think about it, isn’t it dumb and insane to keep hoping that my life will be hunky-dory at the very near future, with the same old programs running in the mind? Isn’t that what we are all doing – putting in action the same thing again and again and expecting the result to be different? Albert Einstein called this insanity. I call it a nightmare!

And we are fully aware, or should I say expert, on this field of ancient emotions; except that we can’t get rid of them, or rather do not know how to, and thus keep it a secret in our closet – the mind – as if, we are abnormal compared to the world. But as you would have known by now, the mind runs according to what you give to it and thus what you hide is what it runs! Oops! The things that I least want becomes my experience now – horror of horrors! Isn’t there a way out of this rut?

It is always about abandoning issues, needing approval, fear, insecurity, victim mentality or self esteem, so common to each and every one of us, that we become familiar with it. It is a secret but yet, an open secret! The more we hide those stuffs, the more it takes on a new twist. Since we deny it and find more ways of doing that, we keep manipulating this reality to the extent that it no longer shows itself as it is, but in a new mutated way of something beyond our recognition. As they say, same stuff, different packaging. Superiority is just a facade of inferiority. Inferiority is just a facade of insecurity. Insecurity is just a facade of fear. Fear is just a facade of guilt. They are all one. What about then the so-called love, need, friendship and many more found in life? What about anger, jealousy, discontentment, restlessness and even happiness (yes, happiness!) that we keep chasing after? Are you getting a hint by now that they are our demons in disguised – the stuff that we hide which becomes a projection out in the world? What is real within becomes real outside but since we deny what is within, our reality now focuses in the world, forgetting that the real stuff is actually in the mind – the cauldron of experiences.

I frequently asked myself this pertinent question – why am I perceiving something as I have done before? Can I not look at it differently? Could it be that I am so stuck with my views that I am not allowing myself the chance to see things differently or even accurately? What if my ‘accurate perception’ is a denial of my misperception? You get what I mean? Since I have been so intimate with the mind, albeit a sly relationship, is there a possibility that I become intimidated by it? Possible. Am I denying something within me when I make a conclusion of what I am experiencing? Am I running away from the truth of what is going on in me and thus making the world a scapegoat for my escape – so that I need not face what is within me? Surely, if I am looking at things the same way, the mind has already taken a predetermined path that arrived to exactly the point of what I am experiencing now. Isn’t that common sense?

If this is true, why am I still judging and blaming the world for what is occurring to me? Have I missed the mark somewhere? Have I unconsciously settled on a determined path the mind took on to conclude my experience or could I have interrupted it with inquiry so that it may have started taking on a new highway? Am I taking the responsibility of what I am experiencing now, irrelevant whether it is a new story or drama that unfolds, recognizing that they are merely a facade of a task to what I have given the mind?

And to support this journey of inquiry, I have this maxim in hand – if I see something as I have seen it before, I am not seeing it at all. Inner inquiry is an interruption – a healthy interruption that provokes the mind to look at things differently. You see, the nature of the mind is, should I say, pretty dumb, or, merely a perfect follower. It repeats accordingly to what it has been given. It is a good follower of a “manual” given by me, consistently changing according to what ideas I add on it. It will think, see, speak, feel, smell or act the same old way, without having the cheekiness of changing its course, so long as there is no new information given to its database – simply because I am that. More than that, when it comes to a brand new situation – an all new experience altogether where the mind does not know how to act, the mind will work according to its limiting resources in finding a solution, which many a times caused me much embarrassment. Do I have a choice not to? Have you not notice this before?

For the mind, although being a forerunner of all things; is merely a tool – its function is to follow what instructions I give to it. If I perceive myself a victim, I have started the ball rolling for the mind to take on that meaning. From there it becomes an idea, not just an idea mind you, but it churns out to be my reality. It works according to that idea – it cannot be otherwise. What I put in, it works accordingly. There is no me in the mind, except a tool for me to experience what is in the world. What I hide, what I deny, becomes what the mind is working. There is NO hiding place, sad to say, in me. Not even a cave, a universe, or anywhere else to tuck my fear. It is in ME! Goodness gracious!

When I don’t interrupt it, the mind takes a pathway that it has always taken. It does not have a life of its own, so to speak, except to run its old program the master has given to it. Its purpose is to continue what it knows. When I am not mindful or aware what I inject into the mind – the ideas and views that I took on unconsciously – the nightmares and horrors begins, as that is what the mind is exactly receiving from its end and do not hesitate to start working on it. It works 24/7, all the time, churning out experiences according to what I perceive. Do you not see this? Now, instead of me being a master, I have positioned a switch of roles, giving the mind the function of a master instead – like the dog leading its master during a walk – who is the master here?

And without interruption, life is a mediocre, trapped in its suffering of what I gave to it. The mind is not the problem. I am. So, for me to return to my helm, instead of ignorantly playing the game of hide and seek, not with anyone but myself – indeed a dumb game – I have to bring in inquiry, to allow inquiry as chief in recognizing the game I played in the mind. I never questioned myself, you see. Even if I question, I’d give it an answer that is from the same level of the mind – the space of my hidden fear – a horrible mistake I repeatedly make upon myself. Isn’t that what sin is to mean – missing the mark of what I have mistaken. What else can I expect the answer to be when I answer my own question which comes back to me much like a simile of a dog chasing after its own tail, forgetting that it is one with it? How ignorant can it be!

For that I have to inquire, but not answer to my own inquiry. Even if I were to inquire, what questions would I pose to the mind? It makes a difference – a darn great difference from where my questioning is coming from – in short, intelligent questions, and not questions that fix or try to escape from an issue. It is a question of needing to understand what is occurring in me – a journey of education, a journey of understanding, a journey of undoing, instead of creating a way to resolve. See, the mind has mastered the game of impostor which I have taught so well and now it looks like it is against me – forgetting that it was me who once upon a time placed those information, which at that point, seemed harmless; only to have the tiny mad idea become a reality that had taken a monstrous form to haunt me now. My, oh my, what illusion have I created?

For that I have to open my heart deeply to observations, and end to all judgements, including those of myself for judging. For that I will have to allow wisdom to unfold instead of being clever myself. For that I have to be true to myself. I will have to end all blames, acknowledge my arrogance and cockiness and give myself up, so to speak, in order to live again. For that I will have to surrender totally to what is and just be still, ending all doing and just be – being in the space of awareness with common sense again; to remember not to forget to be in the now for each now is the doorway of where my mind is – in other words, to be mindful instead of, mindless. And, so it is!

How can we say that we have lived fully everyday by simply experiencing the same emotions that we are addicted to every day? What we’re actually saying is, “I have to reconfirm who I am” and my personality is, “I have to do this, I have to go here, I have to be that.”

A master is quite a different cat. It is one that sees the day as an opportunity in time to create avenues of reality and emotions that are unborn, of realities that are unborn, that the day becomes a fertilization of infinite tomorrows.

- Ramtha

Related posts:

1. Not seeing where I am supposed to see
2. The Path of the World is One, the Path of Truth is another
3. A Path of Joy, A Path of Suffering

Slipping Through My Fist

I have drifted down a ways along the shoreline,
I just watched these ropes give way
where they were tied.
I could have reached out quick when the ropes first
slipped, if I had tried,
but I was wondering where the wind was trying to take me
overnight, if I never did resist, and
what strange breezes make a sailor want to
let it come to this,
with lines untied, slipping through my fist.
It is downhill, all the way to the ocean,
So of course the river wants to flow.
The river’s been here longer,
It’s older and stronger and knows where to go.

David Wilcox

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My intention seals my own outcome, irrespective what the world offers in return. In other words, my end is my beginning. If my intention of giving is for the sake of a return, my outcome will be expected – returns. My intention here is clearly not of giving, but returns, except using giving as a means to arrive at my intention. ‘Giving’ is used as a scapegoat. There is no giving at all in the very first place. It is the wolf camouflaged under a sheep’s skin. Accurately speaking, giving has never been in the picture at all. If each moment determines the next, how can the first moment of intention, which is ‘return’, changes its direction and become otherwise? How can the quarter middle, middle or second quarter middle, or even at the very last moment have ‘giving’ as its pathway? Impossible.

To allow giving to set in, which is an intention itself, the intention of return has to die, has to end. Both cannot coexist at the same time. A pathway can only change where there is an end to its beginning, with another new beginning taking over its course. True change can only be made possible through wisdom, else the course is doomed with its end similar to how it begins. And this applies to everything in the world, for intention, or mind, is the forerunner of all things.

No wisdom, no talk, as the world goes on with its end result predictable to its beginning. The play is between ignorance and wisdom. A wise intention changes the course, otherwise the impostor comes into play – as what the root word ‘ignorance’ means – to ignore what is true – that it is the wolf in the sheep skin.

So the mind has many impostors in it, copying what is genuine into imitations. ‘Return’ made into ‘giving’. ‘Taking’ made into ‘receiving’. All imitations have self-interest invested in it. With the maxim, give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, then return will have taking as its end and giving will have receiving as its end.

In other words, giving is in truth, receiving, as both end and beginning are similar. Similarly, with an intention of receiving, giving has its end as a result. Hence, when I truly give something, I am bestowed with the gift of reception – that the other end completes its cycle. If there is an expectation of return, I am in truth playing the game of taking, not giving, for each meaning of return has taking as its beginning.

As such I need not await what is bestowed to me from the world, as I have already bestowed myself the moment I set my intention. What I expect from the world is my own ignorant, a lie I unconsciously put upon myself. Only wisdom allows me to see this. Or else the world is always seen as defending or attacking me – an imagination I concocted from my own delusion.

With return as my intention, I am done. With giving as my intention, I am done too. Both have different end as its result. To say thankyou is redundant after the act, except as an expression of appreciation, and not of gratitude. To have gratitude is to see that there is something out there for me or to me, which is delusion at play. Everything is of me. If receiving is my game, giving is my end – I give myself the gift of allowing things to arise from me – not that someone is giving me. ‘Someone’ or ‘something’ that comes my way is only a manifestation of my intention. In reality and proven by quantum physics there is no one out there “out there” except an imagination of our consciousness. That is the true meaning of the law of attraction. I am entitled to what I intent. I am my own entitlement.

Related posts:

1. The Paradox of Giving
2. What I give is exactly what I get in return, 100% all the time
3. The Value of Gift or in the Giving?

There…
Here…
Ere…
Re…
E…
…
(poof!)

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Do I have a choice to choose a path of joy, instead of pain, to tread the spiritual journey as advocated by many new age calling for spiritual awakening? Can I be merry and enjoy the very best of life and yet at the very same time be spirited on the masters’ path that brought them to full realization? For me, it is a resounding yes and yet, a no.

After much into the journey of self-awareness, and still, work in progress, it dawned upon me how important the presence of wisdom is to enable me to continuously explore and differentiate what is truth and what is not truth, or rather, imitation of truth. For that I am deeply grateful to the sharing of one unassuming teacher of light-heartedness with a down to earth character that brought me into this journey of self-inquiry.

Until this moment, this sentence is more true to my journey – I need not choose the path of pain to progress spiritually but I’d need to face whatever pain that is already in my space to progress in my spiritual journey. In other words, I need not create pain or move away from pain to make me feel spiritual or good – I need not do anything extra than who I already am now, except to work with whatever that is already here for me or coming my way.

I need not give away my wealth to be spiritual but instead inquire why am I in stress, trying to amass wealth. I need not purposely live a life of mediocrity and act in humility, when at the same time, making ends meet to survive with difficulty. Humility is an effect of wisdom, not something I could mimic or create, as that would only tantamount to the survival of ego. Where I am, the lesson is already here for me. It will neither leave me, nor need I create any for myself to experience.

On the same note, it is not about running away from lessons and drowning myself in merriment so as to indulge further in desires that blinds me from seeing the motivation behind each act. It is also not about avoiding pain or making plans to cover-up what is already here. Both avoidance and indulgence are simply effects of fear of facing the inner demons, the unquestioned pain. Mental complaints, judgments, comparisons, assumptions, to name a few, are camouflages that I create in my mind to escape from the origin of pain. Ironically, those acts compound the pain that I am already in.

Thus the joy of the spiritual journey is about accepting with integrity what is already in me as I work through it to release the pain that I am unconscious about. Not the joy of merrymaking or good feelings practices. There are no choices in spiritual practice except to face squarely what is already here for me. The only choice I have is either to resolve it here and now or to delay it – but never, could I even attempt to leave it.

Every relationship, be it with myself or with anyone for that matter, points me to my pain. Would it be farfetched to say that the way I relate is my pain found? Why do I resist certain relationships? What is in me that I am not relating to lovingly? Why am I holding on to a certain relationship? Why the need to discriminate, judge and compare in hierarchy, the specialness of relationships? If I am sincere and really do wish to understand, I need not look far but to travel into my own motivation behind those acts. In it, I will find my space of pain – fear of being abandoned, of disapproval, of inferiority, of creating specialness which all serves the purpose to hide my own pain.

To resist a relationship is pain. To hold on to it too, is pain. When I hold on to another I am in denial of the opposite of what I am resisting. In short, every moment is pain in progress, except that I am totally oblivious to it as I constantly create avoidance and indulgence to drown my discomfort.

Thus “spiritual journey” is not about getting anywhere or achieving anything, nor is it about hiding myself from the world; but to come into my own presence of what is already in me. It is the journey of resolving the pain without try to fix it, but only through inner understanding. And this can only be done when I give myself the sacred space of non-doing by simply being with what is. It is about seeing what currently blocks me from experiencing the truth, and to finally reckon with wisdom that all pains are simply errors I have put in my system that leads to misperception. Here lies the suffering. Not the suffering of the world, but the suffering of the inner world where my perception becomes my reality. And seeing this truth is a call for freedom – freedom from the tyranny of delusion which I placed myself in.

Take time to reflect on the following verses made by the Buddha and Yeshua, both like you and me, who wanted to know the truth and nothing but the truth:

When this world is ever ablaze,
Why this laughter, why this jubilation?
Shrouded in darkness,
will you not seek the light?

(cited in the Dhammapada)

Blessed are those who have undergone ordeals.
They have entered into the life.

(cited in The Gospel of Thomas)

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1. The Path of the World is One, the Path of Truth is another
2. Path to Deathlessness
3. Incurable Path

There is a field,
Not here, not there, not anywhere;
And yet it is here, it is there, it is everywhere,
within you, within me,
without you, without me.

There is a field;
beyond bodies,
beyond personalities,
beyond you,
beyond me.

Only convergence;
where separation or non-separation is meaningless,
where distance or distant-less is unknown,
where form or formless, is not a question.
neither this nor that
for it is not
something or somewhere or somewhat
but simply
….

It is here in this field, where
no words are necessary,
no approval required,
no understanding needed,
no comparison possible,
no judgment existed,
no now,
no past,
no future,
timeless, unconditioned.

For there is no otherness;
no you, no me;
simply Beloved,
in stillness,
in totality,
of Is.

Beyond the concept of time,
the concept of distance,
the concept of form,
the concept of space,
the concept of self…
Is.

Related posts:

1. Am I really Here?
2. Jealousy – do I have a Choice?
3. I don’t see what I thought I see

I was at the coffee shop one of the past mornings, forgetting that this place is favoured and haunted by many as a favourite gourmet choice, be it breakfast or lunch. The tables were full as usual so both Lai Fun and I were hunting for a place to squeeze ourselves in. After waiting for not too long, we managed to acquire a space for both of us to sit, from the kind permission of this gentle looking elder man who was waiting for food to arrive. There was a young child accompanying him, probably around the age of four, which to my assumption, is his grandchild.

Lai Fun went to make her order while I awaited her return making sure that the seats were not taken over by anyone else. I scanned around the stalls to decide what was I to have for my breakfast when suddenly I was attracted to this particular noodle stall close to where I sit where the owner was awaiting customers to place orders, a rare scene compared to the many other stalls that were busily taking in orders. Since I was hungry and did not wish to wait any longer to make order and wait for my favourite food to arrive, I immediately placed an order with this stall.

What came later was a surprise, or rather judgment, to be precise. The bowl was big but the food in it was pretty little. What shocked me was the price of it. It was an extra ringgit more compared to the usual rate most caterers were offering. Immediately there sprung judgment in my mind–it is of no wonder that people were not ordering from this stall! How else could my mind think otherwise when the thought arose without needing me to even think about it? In the past, I would have reprimanded myself for having such unwholesome thoughts, but now with a little wisdom from my teacher, I was encouraged to question my idea behind this thought.

It is pretty amazing how the mind find ways to imitate the truth by covering it up with meanings. The first that came to me was what if that one ringgit was used to settle a parking fee; would I complaint? A resounding no came into me and I thought this had easily resolved my annoyance as what I have been continuously working on in my journey now is peace – to make peace with myself. But I knew the issue is yet from over. True enough, just a few minutes later into my eating, the food which the elder man ordered arrived; huge quantity, probably a double of what I was eating.

And you can guess what happened next – the mind started the task of seeking evidence. Isn’t this something familiar that the mind does all the time? It wanted to know what the price of the elder man’s meal was; not out of curiosity sake, but to make the caterer whom I was unhappy with, guilty. It was just waiting for an opportunity to attack, to punish and confirm that what he (the caterer) did was wrong; and all this was happening in the field of my mind, not even in speech – what an insane storyline the mind was creating!

When the price came to my knowledge – twenty cents cheaper and double the quantity than what I was having; the war of evidences began. I could practically see how painful the meaning it has created for itself. The condemnation, the judgement, the punishment and the guilt it imposes onto others. It doesn’t matter whether the person was aware what was going on in me or not. Simply a coward’s expression of anger and frustration, complaining all the way through.

It was time for another inquiry – obviously the process of car parking ticket did not work at all, an impostor way of covering up what was much deeper that what I was unaware of. So I threw a question in my mind – questioning myself what idea was the mind running that continued its story of condemnation. My job was to question and not to give an answer to it as each answer would be just a camouflage of what I am not ready to listen. I just needed to question and hear deeply – deep enough for the answer to automatically pop up when it is ready. And it doesn’t take long when I am authentic to resolve it within my mind, and not seeing wrong in the world. The voice came clear and crisp – cheat. Aha! this was the rooted idea that was more true running within my system than the thought that the food quantity does not consummate with the pricing, everyone trying to make a living and that it is their right to charge whatever they wish, or many more other storylines that the mind loves to tell as consolation. All those stories were merely lies to keep me away from recognizing this idea. How I could be sure that these were all lies and not compassion was that if given another chance, I would and will not reorder food from this stall again.

Finally the cat was out of the bag – cheat. Surely this idea has long been rooted in me which I had not acknowledged and obviously it had been reinforced again and again exactly as what I was experiencing during the incident, if not for my awareness. The meaning of cheat had to revisit me so that I could release it – it cannot be otherwise but, what I did was reinforcing it instead. I was using my idea of cheat to make another wrong. I took the idea as my gospel truth and had again and again, made others wrong – that was not the first and neither would it be the last. I will be subjugated to the unnecessary journey of hell if I did not acknowledge that the beginning of this idea was the whole cause of discomfort in me. By being with this truth, peace can only be possible. It does not matter whether the idea can be overcome ultimately, but merely by being authority to my own idea is the beginning of peace, of finding my way home to freedom.

Related posts:

1. Domesticated Mind, I am
2. I Can’t Appreciate the World
3. A Near to Impossible Guiltless Mind

Using upset as an example – I have experienced from many past occasions that upset is an effect of a certain peculiar idea that I am righteous about; and if I am denying this reality, I am bound to make the world wrong whenever I am being triggered. I will see the world as against me. If I defend something, I am sure to perceive others as an attack – both attack and defence comes as a pair, not separately. This realization has to be credited to A Course in Miracle’s statement “denial makes projection” as it begins my journey of learning to observe how true this statement is. Yet there are many a time where I would have failed to resolve my upsets even though I am aware of the ideas that I was having. It was what I was not seeing, rather than concluding the above statement being untrue or only works for certain situations. Usually, it would dawn upon me much later that I was barking at the wrong tree at those periods of time.

It is important to know that what is hidden from me will be revealed if I am able to recognize what is in front of me, for there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. Thus, if the maxim upset is caused by righteous clinging on to ideas and yet if I am unable to resolve my upset even though I am able to recognize the cause of it, I can be sure I am not recognizing the ideas correctly, or rather I am missing a point here. By nature, true recognition (potentially wisdom based) has the ability of undoing clinging. Naturally, when one is able to see an error, one has already rectified himself at that moment, that is, upon right recognition. It cannot be otherwise. In the same manner, recognizing a wrong attitude propels one immediately to right attitude. Each upset is merely an indicator letting me know that I am still not recognizing wisely.

So what are the misperceptions I have overlooked? There are a few wrong ideas that I am righteous about, very deeply ingrained by the society norm. To begin with, my idea is always right and as such what opposes it, is wrong. Even if I were to be open-minded, and ready to listen to your idea or view; with my intention is to undermine your perception; I will use your own words against you. That is how righteous the mind can be. More ideas on the list:

1. I should not be upset (guilt)
2. I am upset of myself for being upset (shame)
3. Why am I upset again (anger)
4. I should be able to resolve my upset and it is not happening (clinging)
5. I am the problem of my upset (self-punishment)
6. I must not express my upset (expectation + shame)

Each particular statement is an idea generated from a past perception, gotten either from a self concluded experience or a conscience ingrained from an unquestioned cultural or societal belief.

These ideas appear as thoughts in the mind. It camouflages further what is already present in my space – the original righteous idea that I am clinging on. In other words, the above examples are sub-ideas that strengthen the original idea. They are after-effects of a wrong idea. Observe how a wrong idea contagiously spread more wrong ideas into the mind. In truth, if I am able to recognize the original idea, there would not be any follow-up to it.

When I miss the mark of what is already here for me, and yet want to resolve the upset, the intellectual mind will be busily occupying itself into thinking of ways how to fix the upset. This is none other than what Albert Einstein was implying – answering from the same level where the question arises is insanity. Instead of giving up all the doing and let the muddle clear itself, the mind uses whatever knowledge it learns from the past to fix a situation instead of using those knowledge or information as an opportunity to observe the mind and thus gain understanding from it. All understanding could only arise through introspection or observation, not through intellectual fixing.

By composing oneself, whatever information one has from the past can be easily brought into the present moment and thus allow understanding to unfold by itself when proper observation is applied. In other words, one’s job is just to allow clarity into the present and by simply doing so, what obscure the truth comes into clarity. The intellectual mind is an obscurity.

Thus in truth, information or knowledge are merely truth for me to observe, not to apply. In the space of stillness, all is shown, and something realized.

Related posts:

1. The World what is Now, is what I am
2. Being Whole and Complete to What Is
3. To Love Conditionally or Unconditionally – Do I Have a Choice?

When I like or love someone, what is it that I am liking or loving about that person, to the effect that I want to be closer to that person, or even needing to possess him or her? But, as usual, more often that not, upon longer interaction or relationship with that person, I would come to realize that it is not what I wanted – to be with that person.

I may put up with the relationship a little longer, hoping that things will change – the wait and see syndrome, or I may just leave and move on with life, expecting another new experience to come into my space again in due time. Or, I may, just like many other lovers – engaged, married and settled down to life; begin a new adjustment to what has been bonded.

What is it that makes me move into or away from a relationship? Personality, looks, character, attitude, or what? There are many ideas to that and some are valid, at least for a certain period of time until things change! Now if I were to direct my attention inwards and listen to what I am attracted to instead of listening to what my head wants, I may come to a new frontier of understanding to the reasons of my choices in my relationships.

I came to realize that the form or character of that person has nothing much to do at all with my choices, though my head thinks I am deciding from that angle. I may be taught from media influences or parental/friends advices on what kind of relationship I should incline towards but when it comes to my own journey, in truth, I am no longer in charge, except by what is in me. My choices are much limited and confirmed mainly from whatever ideas that I already have in my system, formed from the many years or even lifetimes of interactions. In fact, there is no choice at all except matching of what is in my database, the mind’s hard disk. I am dancing to the tune of my ideas, to my same lingo, so to speak.

I am drawn to a relationship by what fits into my idea. If I have an idea of abandonment in my life and if a person crosses my path that seems to offer me a sense of belonging, at least for that temporary period of time, I will unconsciously be attracted to it and begin to find ways of bonding that relationship. Sad to say, I find that many a time the mind will manipulate its way through sweet talking, subtly lying, conformity or even giving up one’s integrity for the sake of making that relationship work. And to keep that relationship bonded, I will consistently adjust myself by giving in to the others’ needs – a very exhausting and painful process indeed – just to make sure that my fear of being abandonment will not arise. I am living my dream world and manipulating others to fit into my dream. But how could that be possible as attitude changes all the time? What I perceive in that person is only what I want from them – but in reality that person does not offer me what I want all the time.

Hence when I don’t see that reality, I am creating my doom again. That person may find my presence suffocating as I try ways of making him fit into my need. In reality, no one has rejected or abandoned me. My playing up of fear of being abandoned jeopardizes my own relationship.

It is interesting to observe here that the people I am attracting into my field are seldom for my highest growth except to maintain my status quo. Instead of surrendering to what comes to me, trusting that each every person that crosses my path has something for me to grow out from my box, I choose people that fits into my need and move away from those who push my buttons.

How much then have we grown throughout the years? Or have we even? It is not that destiny or the God in our perception is unfair – everything, yes EVERYTHING, within our own field is our doing, albeit an unconscious movement. We doomed ourselves in many ways. We jeopardize our own growth. When we don’t seek what is within us, we destroy ourselves in long term. When we seek what is within us, what is within us will assist us to find a way out from the narrow confinement of our own created box.

So what is it that we are attracted to in any person we seemingly like? A piece of missing jigsaw that we are seeking to make our storyline perfect – and our jigsaw formation are none other than all our experiences we have of our past – the ideas and views that we conclude from each encounter that conditioned us to look at things in a very specific and peculiar way, many a times not based on wisdom, but rather judgments and ignorant of what is. It is a vicious cycle and when we don’t take moments to inquire why this is happening in our lives, we are led blindly by the nose to another experience that repeats what is in the past. Scary? Indeed.

Be it pleasant or an unpleasant journey, know that my present journey is but a continuation of what I have not undone from the past. I am the creator of my own bondage in a very unconscious way.

Read another synchronized entry from JournalingTruth titled Healing the Abandoned for a better insight.

Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

- A Course In Miracles

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1. Whose Choice – Me, Who, or What?
2. Jealousy – do I have a Choice?
3. To Love Conditionally or Unconditionally – Do I Have a Choice?

Finding your deepest truth means looking within. It means not blaming other people, not playing the victim and not spending time feeling sorry for yourself. When you look more deeply at any situation, you can always see that you set it up for your growth. In any situation you feel you were a victim you always had an inkling of what was going on, and ignored opportunities to change things.

As you look more deeply at things that really bother you, I want to propose a thought: Nothing you are upset about is caused by what you think. For instance, you may be upset that your friend accused you of doing something you didn’t do. Upon deeper examination, you will find that it is a recreation of an earlier pain, played out over and over in changing scenery with different people until you resolve it. It may be a reenactment of a childhood drama in which you were accused of things you didn’t do. Pain, anger, or resentment you feel now almost always comes from a similar childhood experience. You recreate the pain so that you can move beyond it. Next time you feel angry at someone, stop. Close your eyes and go within. See that you have had similar experiences before. Realize that you are reliving some childhood decision and that now is an opportunity to end this pattern in your life and come from your deepest truth. Realize other people are only drawn to play out certain roles with you to help you evolve. Let go of any anger or blame you have towards them.

Sanaya Roman (Channel for Orin), Personal Power through Awareness

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1. Conversation that isn’t a Conservation of Truth
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I see similarity of denial taught in A Course in Miracle with the Buddha’s teaching on moha, or ignorance. To ignore is to deny what is already in existence and thus creating a whole entire web of delusion of “I”.

What I deny I project

All projections are denial. And all denial results in projection. When I deny something within me, I make an image out of the world by seeing it as separate from me, as against me. For instance, if I don’t acknowledge my inability to be fully responsible for my own choices, and when someone is to suggest an idea that may seems to be in total opposite to what I choose, I am bound to see him as attacking or against me. In another perspective, if someone is unable to accept what is in his or her space, say an illness, that person will see the illness as an enemy to oppose. He/she will seek further evidences to make the illness wrong and by doing so only make matters worse by solving the symptom without working on the source of the dis-ease. In another example, if I see someone as better than me, I am not seeing the comparison as a self-judgment I have made upon myself. I am continuously projecting out into the world what I am denying, by making the world my enemy. In other words when I judge others, irrelevant whether the judgment is a positive or negative comment, I am in truth, judging myself.

Projection makes perception

When I take the projection as reality, not understanding that they are merely pointing to a denial within me, I make this reality into further perception – seeing realness in it. Back to the example of the inability to be steadfast in my own choices – my denial of this fact makes me project in others as attacking my freedom to choose. This in return makes me perceive others as “enemy”, “wrong”, “bad”, “unfair” or towards myself as a “victim”, with a “poor me” mentality. Observe how a beginning of denial creates a snowballing effect of misperceptions which makes us seek further evidences to proof ourselves or others as “right” and “wrong”.

Whenever there is ignorance of things as they truly are, I am subjected to a truckload of self-suffering, not to mention the suffering of others too. Everything begins with me and ends in me. When I don’t see the source of my projection, I fail to see the end of my own mind-made suffering. Indeed painful are repeated lessons until I see the truth of its reality. As a matter of fact, nothing actually occurred in terms of perception except for what is playing out in the mind.

It takes a renewed awakening, the remembering to be aware of the source of all projections that can lead me out of this entanglement. So long as I do not turn my attention inwards to every relationship I have; be it animate or inanimate; I will not be able to recognize the source of my suffering – be it in any forms of attachment or resistance. I am the creator of my own suffering, the cause of suffering, the ending of suffering, and the way leading out of suffering.

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2. Voice in the Head
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Upon reading Paul Ferrini’s article on Inner Authority, it came to my realization that a major number of upsets that I have each day; projected mainly upon someone or something else, other than myself; has much to do with my non inner authority.

Within a day I was able to see how much integrity I actually have in myself; for example, my day with my spouse. It started in the morning where I wanted to have some time for myself and I did not voice it out to Lai Fun. Instead, I had this defensive mentality that all I wanted was free space – all for myself. Obviously when I am defensive, I am already preparing for an attack, albeit an unconscious one; even if the request that came at any moment in time could be as trivial as answering a phone call. When I do not express what I need, or be an authority to my inner intention but instead defend myself, I am already in a state of dis-ease; and surely, any trigger, irrelevant whether it is essential or not, is enough to make me see anyone, or even anything, as wrong. I was never at peace and I saw the mind being in constant lookout to either defend or attack anyone who “robs my time”. And I could see how the mind grumbled and used my spouse as a scapegoat for blaming, for taking up “my precious time”. How on earth would she had known what was it that I wanted?

Of course, if I was loving and had the attitude of give and take, such upset would not have arisen in the first place – but wait-a-minute, let me be clear – have I been an incessant pleaser and giver, instead of a balanced player of receiving and giving? The question here is not about compromising, which is very often being played out by so-called “loving” couples – in fact, it is because of compromising that we are always in feud with our partners; irrespective whether it is spoken or, in silence. One obvious sign is to observe the communication between couples – are we still in loving talking terms or are we merely silent throughout the day; though silence is still a form of communication – though passive in nature? I remember a friend who once mentioned about his relationship with his spouse – “we seldom talk, and everything is fine” until he embarked on his own self healing journey. There is so much deceit we have upon ourselves, learnt from a culture, carried forward from an unquestioned societal norm that we are unaware of.

I can’t live for others except to be true to myself. At each moment, I am called to vocalize my needs and each expression is a form of verbalizing my inner authority, particular if it has to involve another. If I am to express myself as a way to defend my needs, I am no longer standing in my own space of authority but authorizing others. My expression of defense may be in a form of subtle attack, by trying to control others in giving out fear. By doing so, I am not trusting that a consistent loving expression is my stand of integrity. I am afraid of being moved by others’ view, not truly seeing that it is actually my weakness in standing up for my needs – and to curb that, I use fear as a hasty way of to convey my needs so that I need not face my shortcomings. Doing so weakens my own inner authority further.

Even with my needs, I am invited to question them further. Is my need based on fear, which in reality is a ‘want’ in disguised? When there is a “wanting” I am already projecting a lack in me which is another façade of fear. When I want something, am I trying to control a situation to get what I desire? If such is the case, I am already expressing authority over others, short changing myself in the process. It is pretty tricky as I keep balancing myself between inner authority; either over or under-extending myself by being an authority for others or having no authority for myself.

There is only one thing that is clear – so long as I am upset, I can be sure I have sold my soul away, so to speak. I am not honest with myself.

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2. Inner Authority