I Have No Time for Myself

Is it true? For the first time this statement which I recently heard from a close friend seems to sound a little strange, and probably, ridiculous to me. Not that I had never made such a statement in the past, but now with a little deeper understanding of my own mind and also the realisation that came my way these few years, it occurred to me that I had never, ever left myself – so how could it be possible that I do not have time for myself? Time entirely defined me as that is what I am experiencing; else the meaning of time will be totally meaningless to me.

When I am with someone, I am there with the person; as such I “myself”, is experiencing time together with the person. I cannot be with the person and at the same time not there myself – it is impossible – for while being with the person, I can only experience my own experience with the person – I cannot experience him or her, except myself. If I don’t like the experience while with the person, that is exactly what I am experiencing. If I enjoy being with the company, that too is exactly what I am experiencing – in both situations, I am constantly experiencing myself about the person, never of the person. As such, I am having time with myself in the midst with another.

What is more true when I say “I have no time for myself” is that I am all the while paying attention to another instead of noticing my own involvement in another. When I subject my attention to another, I lose myself, so to speak, thus having the meaning that I am not giving enough time for myself – it is an unconscious habitual decision which most of us have yet to realise.

If I am fully aware of my own mind, I am able to be present to the internal process of interaction or responses of what is going on in my mind and what is perceived as coming from the other. When I am noticing this, I am totally being with myself in the midst of with another. One may ask how could it be possible to give attention to another while being with oneself? How could it not be possible considering that we are indeed encountering part of the experience which has to include me, unless our attention is fully 100% on the person and 0% on ourselves? Even that is impossible as we never and will never experience any moment without ourselves in it. It is more of I am oblivious to myself but not away from myself.

As in many situations, for example driving, we are not giving full 100% attention to the road as we may be listening to the radio, looking at someone or even thinking about a situation. If we are able to divide our attention at the same time, it can never be an issue dividing attention between ourselves and also another. It just takes a little training and adjustment. Attention giving is a function of the mind. Direct it and it will work for you.

After all have been said, whether you give attention to yourself or not, you are experiencing every moment of your time, albeit in an unconscious unknowing. When you wake up one day to what is truly happening in your space, you would have noticed you are having time for yourself only 100% all the time, irrelevant whether you are aware or not. Until then, being unconscious, you will try to find time for yourself, probably going for a holiday, or giving yourself a me time – whatever you do, it is no different from any moment than before; as wherever you go or do for yourself, your attention is still out there somewhere…

Awaken to the Eternal – Nisargadatta Maharaj

Delusion Came A Visit Again

To look into the past to see where our pain originated from is to miss the mark of what true healing is about. The past is but meanings we once put to a situation that we did not understand except our own perception about it. If our parents were busy at work and we feel lonely, our interpretation may at that point be abandonment by our loved ones – yet it is merely our judgments we put upon them, but not exactly what it was. How this meaning is derived and where it origins, we will never know. When that thought arises in us at that point we think it is because of external factor that leads to it, yet it is delusional not to realize that the situation is only a catalyst to what we already unconsciously have, awaiting for the right condition for it to arise again. Thus we do not really know – we think we know, yet we know not. We know nothing at all. What we know is not even a fragment of the entire origin of reality. But when we think we know, we made a conclusive statement to what happened and that becomes our nightmare of believe that will set the whole motion of meanings in our coming moments in life.

Thus, to trace back its origin and to realize what happened in the storyline is not truly as empowering as realizing these are merely meanings we subscribed to that make us re-experience it again this moment. In fact by noticing, “abandonment” is merely a meaning is enough to set us free in the now. Yet many a times the issue is not as simple as it is, as the meaning that we have bought into has mutated throughout the years into a belief – a more potent evolved state of perceived reality that are merely a reinforced meaning.

Hence to see the end of our so-called experience, be it happy or sad, is to see its meaninglessness. Even happiness is meaningless, considering that it is a result of expectation met, deriving from a certain idea or meaning that we put in as good or satisfying our need. It will be surprising to notice that it is guilt that propels one to seek for happiness as it is by not having that we subtly manipulate situations to meet our needs. If you have observed your mind or been authentic to your action can you finally see this reality. Many a times we are thwarted by what we think, rather than what we realized.

Take the example of admonishment – when we admonish someone with thoughts of ill-will, thinking that it is for their highest good, we are not noticing the reality that what we spoke is actually for us to hear. We don’t notice that our addiction of wanting to control and predict motivates us to control others for our own convenience so that we need not face the vulnerability when our expectation is not met. We impose our views upon others expecting that what we think is ultimate truth, yet how can that be possible when we don’t even realize that what we share with others are nothing except personal views.

Thus do we really, really know? Not at all. We know nothing except our perception about it. Do you know a car? No, we don’t – we only know how to drive but we don’t know what a car is. We only know how to use a mobile phone, but we don’t know what a mobile phone is. Similarly, we only know another by their character which we come into connection with through what we see and perceive, but we don’t and can’t know who he or she really is. We will never know, not even if we stayed with them for awhile, unless and until we come to know our mind inside out.