Whenever I am being triggered, compelling me to defense or attack, right at that deepest core of that mind is found the unworthiness experience. When I said “triggered” I am not only implying negative stimulus. It can be a loving experience resulted from a praise or an unpleasant experience arising from a statement – both have unworthiness as the base. In other words, any holding on to pleasant experience or resistance to unpleasant experience has unworthiness in it. Many a times I don’t see pleasant experience as something that is motivated by unworthiness, for I am so unwilling to go to that space that will spoil my nice present feeling – I prefer to chill myself in desire and “happiness” rather than facing the Truth.
And that is the whole problem of the journey – in my head there is this thought that says – I wont compromise on the Truth, nothing but the Truth, but yet again and again I am subjugated by the cankers. We all are yearning for enlightenment, whether we are aware of it or not. Not Buddhist’s enlightenment, Christian’s salvation or what sort – none of that at all. Enlightenment has no name, not even the word enlightenment. It is not a place or a situation or a condition – totally beyond what the mind can comprehend as it is beyond the mind.
It is like the analogy of being in heaven where there is zero suffering and you simply immersed in total enjoyment and yet enjoyment, non-stop, day in, day out. Nothing can make you bored and nothing can make you feel depressed – everything is so amazing joyful. Then one day, somehow, you found that you are actually in a huge prison. Imagine what could ever happen to you at that moment? All the glory of heaven becomes void at that instant – nothing matters anymore. Anything that brings you extreme happiness does not work on you from that moment onwards. You have this damned feeling that what is great here is actually a fake, a lie to make you stay stuck. And that is what I mean in all of us, at least those whom I met. There is this deep yearning feeling that make us sense intuitively that there is something missing here.
Let’s not look too far away in heaven. Let’s look at how this feeling of “unworthiness” that is making us running on tirelessly on the threadmill, to make life works, that make us forget that we are all in the prison of our own delusion . But we don’t see unworthiness. We only see the wanting and not wanting situation to continue living. Not much of a difference than in heaven before knowing the prison walls. Isn’t that crazy? We enjoy suffering! Life exist simply being motivated by this unbearable unworthiness – and that cost me to continuous seek; for money, for relationship, for knowledge, for happiness, for companionship, for betterment, for everything. Without unworthiness life no longer need to continue. Can you imagine that? And do you hear the little voice in your head that tells you how fearful it is not to exist? That the “I”, “me”, “mine” matters so much. All this fear is because you don’t yet know there is a prison wall. Like the angels, heaven is a great place until they come to realize the “wall”.
Life comes into being because of this unquestioned unworthiness. It is a perfect hiding spot the ego created to make us shun away from it. We will do anything, from holidaying to enjoyment, to extreme actions like backstabbing, murdering, suicidal – just to fill up this unworthiness. Unworthiness keep us seeking for the “best” – there is nothing wrong with that – but when will the “best” end? It is a game that has no ending and that is the whole setup of the ego. Would you imagine playing a game that has no ending and yet there is no way you can get out of the game, even though you are sick and exhausted about it? No one of a sane mind will ever participate in it but that is exactly what we are all doing – unconsciously subjugated to the game the mind plays.
But of course, the game is not that simple, more complex than you could ever imagined compared to any game in this world – courtless, rules that are arbitrary, interchangeable position of players, referee and spectators, non-specific time, non limited goals, no intervals and non stop playing, even in the dream! Crazy! Worst, when you get tired of the whole damned game, planning ways for the great escape; delusion, the ego itself, creates imitation spiritual journey for you to be trapped into. Many, without much wisdom, will opt for suicide which in truth is actually part of the game.
At the most “normal” sensible spiritual principle, you are being told to face what you are afraid of. So if the basis of everything is unworthiness, you take the dip and face it squarely. Then what? Anything you give attention to make it real. Or rather, because you think it is real that you look into it. Similarly, if you ignore it, it means you think it is there. So here comes the paradox – both are in contradiction. The more you think it is real, the more it will persist.
To feed it I make it real, to face it I also make it real. Either way, I loose. What am I supposed to do then? The answer lies not in what you are looking at, but rather in your response – how you are responding to it. Look carefully into the response and you may be shocked to see another unworthiness in it too! Unworthiness proliferating in multi-dimensions! Arggh! How would I know there is unworthiness in it? Simple – by recognizing whether there is an identity of “I” responding. Each “I” is unworthy. It is close to impossible not to have an “I”, you may think. It is not about forgetting the “I”, neither is it about ignoring it. But it is about ending the “I”. the self. So it was said – “The mother of all fear is fear of no-self.”
The meaning of life has “I” in it and for that, all existences are egoic by nature – from waking up and dream states – 24/7. And so long as there is an existence, there is delusion with unworthiness as its foundation. Isn’t that a perfect foolproof game?