Month: April 2010

I could not resist but to seek permission from Geraldine aka GG for her permission to allow me to include her recent blog entry here as one of my favorite readings that points me to Truth. I trust you too will benefit as much as me. Love.

Stories, am I?

http://journalingtruth.com/

Who I think I am, therefore I am; but who I truly am, is not who I think I am. – so, who am I?

How do you tell someone that whatever they go through in life, whatever stories they tell, are just simply, a story? How do you tell someone that what I go through in my life, even if I were to share my experiences of what I go through, are just stories? How do you tell someone, that the stories that we each tell, are all unreal, but a story?

We indulge ourselves in stories. Really. Who don’t like stories? We line up to watch movies, read novels – all for a story. And then we meet a friend or a relative for cuppa or dinner, and then what do we tell each other but our stories?

And stories come from roles we take on, or from observation of the roles that others take on. But all in all, they are nothing, but stories.

As if we do not take on enough roles in this life time. When we are revealed or told that we are so-and-so in our past lives, we get so excited, become attached to it in a way (albeit a past) and talk about it all the time. As if, the story in this lifetime is not enough. We need more stories of the past to reinstate who “I” am – I was a warrior; I was a king; I was a queen; I was his wife; I was his concubine ~ really, does it matter? Even today, I am a tycoon; I am a mother; I am a wife; I am a CEO; I am a maid ~ does it really matter?

If it does, surely it must give us peace. If it really does, surely it must liberate us, and we must be contented. But are we truly at peace? Do we really feel liberated? Do we notice that somehow somewhat, there is always something missing? And for that, we are always unconsciously striving for something?

When I was talking to a loved one today, whom I am normally quite fearful of, I listened. I listened to his stories, his reasoning, his blaming. I see his guilt, his need for acknowledgment and his call for love. Perhaps I am not normal, I don’t know, but after having understanding and dealt with my own inner demons, I finally saw him, for him. I did not see him as someone who was victimizing me anymore, nor pointing fingers at me or anyone. I saw him as someone who was calling out for love – to be understood and acknowledged.

And again, how do you tell someone that? That beneath all those stories that he has shared are his own ancient pain, guilt and shame that only he himself can elevated himself from? I emailed my teacher this morning, telling him brutally how I felt no compassion for people who don’t own up for their own pain. Yet tonight, as I witnessed this loved one, compassion automatically set in as I realised that I too, had been unconscious before, speaking of which I still have a tendency to fall into the unconscious mode from time and time. The only difference between him and I today is that now I’ve understood and choose to remember it as often as I can – to be mindful, that is and to take responsibility for my own shit.

Suddenly stories are not that important anymore. I remember friends used to gather round just to talk about other people or our own stories. I am not saying that we shouldn’t talk to each other or share with each other, but have we considered the intention and essence of sharing? Are we calling out for love? or are we reinforcing our illusionary meaningful roles in this existence? Are we meaning to feel better about ourselves after gossiping about or blaming others? Is it possible, that our lives are in fact meaningless, that we have to “do” something to make it meaningful; to satisfy a need we are not conscious of? And why the need to make it meaningful, except to strengthen the meaning of “I”? I could go on with this “I” thing.. but it’s just too much bullshit.

It pains me to witness even when compassion arises. But that is only happening because I forget that there is someone out there, a ‘body’ out there so to speak, hence the separation. And when Wisdom fails to set in, I buy into that ‘story’ and fall into a depression. How egoistic. But if I could forgive myself for my projection of unconscious guilt, then no one is suffering. And even if I am still seeing a ‘body’ out there, I could always choose to perceive from a Wisdom point of view so per se – to respect their journey, and to see them perfectly as they are, trusting that everything is in divine order.

Afterall, I am no saviour. Just a passerby with lessons to learn and to grow in my journey of a-loneness.

If you know how to swim, I want you to imagine yourself climbing up an old tree that has a huge branch overhanging a beautiful lake and when you are right at the edge of that branch, take a deep exhilarating breath, and plunge yourself into the lake – letting go off all needs to look good on how the fall has to be. You do it just for fun, to experience what surrendering is all about – to experience what comes up in you the very moment the “splosh!” comes to effect. It is different from a person who has prior skills in taking a dive. No. Not about something you already know but from the space of an inquisitive freeing mind that you wish to explore and experience.

And that is exactly the metaphor of what non-doing is all about. It is not about not doing or doing but rather out from these two opposites that you already know how to do – by the way, “not doing” is a kind of doing, too. Non-doing has a unique characteristic of inquisitiveness, of inquiry. It has wisdom as its foundation. More importantly it has the ability to step out of its own way, and just observe – observing from the point of impartiality without sugarcoating or expecting what is being observed. It has the characteristic of a scientist or a nature lover – both learn to observe what is there that needs to be understood. One can learn more from true nature than false nature.

You can learn the habitat of an animal either from a zoo or from a natural setting. You may immediately question my rational how we can really learn anything from an animal trap in its surrounding. Yes, we can. We learn that traps ultimately inhibit naturalness. We also learn that animals that are caged for too long lose their abilities to hunt, to be creative so per se. That’s what inhibition does to us. They are no longer passionate about life except to eat, walk around or probably make a few sounds to attract attention. The zest for living dissipates. And that is a good lesson for us to reflect upon ourselves whether we have trapped ourselves this way, domesticated, albeit an unseen prison or cage.

In the Shawshank Redemption movie, it tells the story about two men’s hearts through the trials and temptations of imprisonment or incarceration. It tells about what happens when one lives within the walls for too long a time. First the wall makes you very angry and hateful and probably also crazy. After awhile you seem to get over it and don’t notice the walls anymore. The time will come when you realize you need the walls for your survival.

That will be the most tragic experience we as humans will ever have when we depend on walls to define who we are. We no longer have the desire to escape from the very bondage that has held us captive. We have totally forgotten that those walls were originally not part of the equation. Freedom was not earlier recognized until bondage came into our picture. And yet when we are stuck too long in bondage, freedom is totally forgotten. What a tragedy!

The need for walls in our day to day living is found in our desire to do more. Our importance is found by how much we do. Without doing, without the walls, we feel insecure and unimportant. And that feeling propel us to keep doing incessantly, irrelevant whether the doing is necessary, or tires us out. At least it keeps the mind away from that uneasy feeling of insecurity. It is an addiction. In fact, the mind has gone beyond addiction – it is a disease.

There is much trust and faith needed to surrender the doing, to arrive at the level of plain observing of what comes up next in the mind, without identifying with it. Only when we stop anticipating or interfering with the mind processes, nature unfolds for us to understand – with it wisdom is born.

It is rather difficult or near impossible to show someone the wisdom of non-doing, that by stepping back and not interfering is the world being conquered. Doing is deeply hard-wired in our programming – to the effect that the whole entire world’s survival is based on control. For one who has been in a career or life of control or being controlled, such a view of non-doing is obviously alien, detrimental and probably a threat to them. The irony of experiencing the miracle of non-doing is by letting go of control and that is the last thing one would ever do – thus creating an experience of so-near-and-yet-so-far – like water and oil place together – not knowing what it is like to be the other. If you could only experience a glimpse of non-doing in your meditative state, albeit a brief one, it has the power of transforming the way you live your life. You will experience deep insights and inspirations when you come from the space of stepping back and observe. But if control is your nature, consider applying control as a self-discipline in non-doing.

Non-doing is wisdom based. It has the desire of non-interference and manipulation. Its desire is at the cause rather than the effect. It responds rather than react. That makes a whole world of difference between the ego and the spirit. It is a path that you need to trust and let go. No other way. And in it miracle occurs.