A Path of Joy, A Path of Suffering
Posted on 12 July 2010 | 5 responses
Do I have a choice to choose a path of joy, instead of pain, to tread the spiritual journey as advocated by many new age calling for spiritual awakening? Can I be merry and enjoy the very best of life and yet at the very same time be spirited on the masters’ path that brought them to full realization? For me, it is a resounding yes and yet, a no.
After much into the journey of self-awareness, and still, work in progress, it dawned upon me how important the presence of wisdom is to enable me to continuously explore and differentiate what is truth and what is not truth, or rather, imitation of truth. For that I am deeply grateful to the sharing of one unassuming teacher of light-heartedness with a down to earth character that brought me into this journey of self-inquiry.
Until this moment, this sentence is more true to my journey – I need not choose the path of pain to progress spiritually but I’d need to face whatever pain that is already in my space to progress in my spiritual journey. In other words, I need not create pain or move away from pain to make me feel spiritual or good – I need not do anything extra than who I already am now, except to work with whatever that is already here for me or coming my way.
I need not give away my wealth to be spiritual but instead inquire why am I in stress, trying to amass wealth. I need not purposely live a life of mediocrity and act in humility, when at the same time, making ends meet to survive with difficulty. Humility is an effect of wisdom, not something I could mimic or create, as that would only tantamount to the survival of ego. Where I am, the lesson is already here for me. It will neither leave me, nor need I create any for myself to experience.
On the same note, it is not about running away from lessons and drowning myself in merriment so as to indulge further in desires that blinds me from seeing the motivation behind each act. It is also not about avoiding pain or making plans to cover-up what is already here. Both avoidance and indulgence are simply effects of fear of facing the inner demons, the unquestioned pain. Mental complaints, judgments, comparisons, assumptions, to name a few, are camouflages that I create in my mind to escape from the origin of pain. Ironically, those acts compound the pain that I am already in.
Thus the joy of the spiritual journey is about accepting with integrity what is already in me as I work through it to release the pain that I am unconscious about. Not the joy of merrymaking or good feelings practices. There are no choices in spiritual practice except to face squarely what is already here for me. The only choice I have is either to resolve it here and now or to delay it – but never, could I even attempt to leave it.
Every relationship, be it with myself or with anyone for that matter, points me to my pain. Would it be farfetched to say that the way I relate is my pain found? Why do I resist certain relationships? What is in me that I am not relating to lovingly? Why am I holding on to a certain relationship? Why the need to discriminate, judge and compare in hierarchy, the specialness of relationships? If I am sincere and really do wish to understand, I need not look far but to travel into my own motivation behind those acts. In it, I will find my space of pain – fear of being abandoned, of disapproval, of inferiority, of creating specialness which all serves the purpose to hide my own pain.
To resist a relationship is pain. To hold on to it too, is pain. When I hold on to another I am in denial of the opposite of what I am resisting. In short, every moment is pain in progress, except that I am totally oblivious to it as I constantly create avoidance and indulgence to drown my discomfort.
Thus “spiritual journey” is not about getting anywhere or achieving anything, nor is it about hiding myself from the world; but to come into my own presence of what is already in me. It is the journey of resolving the pain without try to fix it, but only through inner understanding. And this can only be done when I give myself the sacred space of non-doing by simply being with what is. It is about seeing what currently blocks me from experiencing the truth, and to finally reckon with wisdom that all pains are simply errors I have put in my system that leads to misperception. Here lies the suffering. Not the suffering of the world, but the suffering of the inner world where my perception becomes my reality. And seeing this truth is a call for freedom – freedom from the tyranny of delusion which I placed myself in.
Take time to reflect on the following verses made by the Buddha and Yeshua, both like you and me, who wanted to know the truth and nothing but the truth:
When this world is ever ablaze,
Why this laughter, why this jubilation?
Shrouded in darkness,
will you not seek the light?
(cited in the Dhammapada)
Blessed are those who have undergone ordeals.
They have entered into the life.
(cited in The Gospel of Thomas)
The Field
Posted on 8 July 2010 | 1 response
There is a field,
Not here, not there, not anywhere;
And yet it is here, it is there, it is everywhere,
within you, within me,
without you, without me.
There is a field;
beyond bodies,
beyond personalities,
beyond you,
beyond me.
Only convergence;
where separation or non-separation is meaningless,
where distance or distant-less is unknown,
where form or formless, is not a question.
neither this nor that
for it is not
something or somewhere or somewhat
but simply
….
It is here in this field, where
no words are necessary,
no approval required,
no understanding needed,
no comparison possible,
no judgment existed,
no now,
no past,
no future,
timeless, unconditioned.
For there is no otherness;
no you, no me;
simply Beloved,
in stillness,
in totality,
of Is.
Beyond the concept of time,
the concept of distance,
the concept of form,
the concept of space,
the concept of self…
Is.
The Mind that Never Fails to Proof itself Right
Posted on 5 July 2010 | 2 responses
I was at the coffee shop one of the past mornings, forgetting that this place is favoured and haunted by many as a favourite gourmet choice, be it breakfast or lunch. The tables were full as usual so both Lai Fun and I were hunting for a place to squeeze ourselves in. After waiting for not too long, we managed to acquire a space for both of us to sit, from the kind permission of this gentle looking elder man who was waiting for food to arrive. There was a young child accompanying him, probably around the age of four, which to my assumption, is his grandchild.
Lai Fun went to make her order while I awaited her return making sure that the seats were not taken over by anyone else. I scanned around the stalls to decide what was I to have for my breakfast when suddenly I was attracted to this particular noodle stall close to where I sit where the owner was awaiting customers to place orders, a rare scene compared to the many other stalls that were busily taking in orders. Since I was hungry and did not wish to wait any longer to make order and wait for my favourite food to arrive, I immediately placed an order with this stall.
What came later was a surprise, or rather judgment, to be precise. The bowl was big but the food in it was pretty little. What shocked me was the price of it. It was an extra ringgit more compared to the usual rate most caterers were offering. Immediately there sprung judgment in my mind–it is of no wonder that people were not ordering from this stall! How else could my mind think otherwise when the thought arose without needing me to even think about it? In the past, I would have reprimanded myself for having such unwholesome thoughts, but now with a little wisdom from my teacher, I was encouraged to question my idea behind this thought.
It is pretty amazing how the mind find ways to imitate the truth by covering it up with meanings. The first that came to me was what if that one ringgit was used to settle a parking fee; would I complaint? A resounding no came into me and I thought this had easily resolved my annoyance as what I have been continuously working on in my journey now is peace – to make peace with myself. But I knew the issue is yet from over. True enough, just a few minutes later into my eating, the food which the elder man ordered arrived; huge quantity, probably a double of what I was eating.
And you can guess what happened next – the mind started the task of seeking evidence. Isn’t this something familiar that the mind does all the time? It wanted to know what the price of the elder man’s meal was; not out of curiosity sake, but to make the caterer whom I was unhappy with, guilty. It was just waiting for an opportunity to attack, to punish and confirm that what he (the caterer) did was wrong; and all this was happening in the field of my mind, not even in speech – what an insane storyline the mind was creating!
When the price came to my knowledge – twenty cents cheaper and double the quantity than what I was having; the war of evidences began. I could practically see how painful the meaning it has created for itself. The condemnation, the judgement, the punishment and the guilt it imposes onto others. It doesn’t matter whether the person was aware what was going on in me or not. Simply a coward’s expression of anger and frustration, complaining all the way through.
It was time for another inquiry – obviously the process of car parking ticket did not work at all, an impostor way of covering up what was much deeper that what I was unaware of. So I threw a question in my mind – questioning myself what idea was the mind running that continued its story of condemnation. My job was to question and not to give an answer to it as each answer would be just a camouflage of what I am not ready to listen. I just needed to question and hear deeply – deep enough for the answer to automatically pop up when it is ready. And it doesn’t take long when I am authentic to resolve it within my mind, and not seeing wrong in the world. The voice came clear and crisp – cheat. Aha! this was the rooted idea that was more true running within my system than the thought that the food quantity does not consummate with the pricing, everyone trying to make a living and that it is their right to charge whatever they wish, or many more other storylines that the mind loves to tell as consolation. All those stories were merely lies to keep me away from recognizing this idea. How I could be sure that these were all lies and not compassion was that if given another chance, I would and will not reorder food from this stall again.
Finally the cat was out of the bag – cheat. Surely this idea has long been rooted in me which I had not acknowledged and obviously it had been reinforced again and again exactly as what I was experiencing during the incident, if not for my awareness. The meaning of cheat had to revisit me so that I could release it – it cannot be otherwise but, what I did was reinforcing it instead. I was using my idea of cheat to make another wrong. I took the idea as my gospel truth and had again and again, made others wrong – that was not the first and neither would it be the last. I will be subjugated to the unnecessary journey of hell if I did not acknowledge that the beginning of this idea was the whole cause of discomfort in me. By being with this truth, peace can only be possible. It does not matter whether the idea can be overcome ultimately, but merely by being authority to my own idea is the beginning of peace, of finding my way home to freedom.
Transforming Intellect into Realization
Posted on 30 June 2010 | No responses
The mind, more often than not, has confused itself by making information as realization. There is a vast distinction between both and to recognize their salient characters needs the eyes of wisdom. Information is knowledge whereas realization is wisdom. One is merely an intellectual understanding whereas the other is a spiritual experience, a state of being.
Using upset as an example – I have experienced from many past occasions that upset is an effect of a certain peculiar idea that I am righteous about; and if I am denying this reality, I am bound to make the world wrong whenever I am being triggered. I will see the world as against me. If I defend something, I am sure to perceive others as an attack – both attack and defence comes as a pair, not separately. This realization has to be credited to A Course in Miracle’s statement “denial makes projection” as it begins my journey of learning to observe how true this statement is. Yet there are many a time where I would have failed to resolve my upsets even though I am aware of the ideas that I was having. It was what I was not seeing, rather than concluding the above statement being untrue or only works for certain situations. Usually, it would dawn upon me much later that I was barking at the wrong tree at those periods of time.
It is important to know that what is hidden from me will be revealed if I am able to recognize what is in front of me, for there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. Thus, if the maxim upset is caused by righteous clinging on to ideas and yet if I am unable to resolve my upset even though I am able to recognize the cause of it, I can be sure I am not recognizing the ideas correctly, or rather I am missing a point here. By nature, true recognition (potentially wisdom based) has the ability of undoing clinging. Naturally, when one is able to see an error, one has already rectified himself at that moment, that is, upon right recognition. It cannot be otherwise. In the same manner, recognizing a wrong attitude propels one immediately to right attitude. Each upset is merely an indicator letting me know that I am still not recognizing wisely.
So what are the misperceptions I have overlooked? There are a few wrong ideas that I am righteous about, very deeply ingrained by the society norm. To begin with, my idea is always right and as such what opposes it, is wrong. Even if I were to be open-minded, and ready to listen to your idea or view; with my intention is to undermine your perception; I will use your own words against you. That is how righteous the mind can be. More ideas on the list:
- I should not be upset (guilt)
- I am upset of myself for being upset (shame)
- Why am I upset again (anger)
- I should be able to resolve my upset and it is not happening (clinging)
- I am the problem of my upset (self-punishment)
- I must not express my upset (expectation + shame)
Each particular statement is an idea generated from a past perception, gotten either from a self concluded experience or a conscience ingrained from an unquestioned cultural or societal belief.
These ideas appear as thoughts in the mind. It camouflages further what is already present in my space – the original righteous idea that I am clinging on. In other words, the above examples are sub-ideas that strengthen the original idea. They are after-effects of a wrong idea. Observe how a wrong idea contagiously spread more wrong ideas into the mind. In truth, if I am able to recognize the original idea, there would not be any follow-up to it.
When I miss the mark of what is already here for me, and yet want to resolve the upset, the intellectual mind will be busily occupying itself into thinking of ways how to fix the upset. This is none other than what Albert Einstein was implying – answering from the same level where the question arises is insanity. Instead of giving up all the doing and let the muddle clear itself, the mind uses whatever knowledge it learns from the past to fix a situation instead of using those knowledge or information as an opportunity to observe the mind and thus gain understanding from it. All understanding could only arise through introspection or observation, not through intellectual fixing.
By composing oneself, whatever information one has from the past can be easily brought into the present moment and thus allow understanding to unfold by itself when proper observation is applied. In other words, one’s job is just to allow clarity into the present and by simply doing so, what obscure the truth comes into clarity. The intellectual mind is an obscurity.
Thus in truth, information or knowledge are merely truth for me to observe, not to apply. In the space of stillness, all is shown, and something realized.
My Choice, My Detriment
Posted on 28 June 2010 | 2 responses
When I like or love someone, what is it that I am liking or loving about that person, to the effect that I want to be closer to that person, or even needing to possess him or her? But, as usual, more often that not, upon longer interaction or relationship with that person, I would come to realize that it is not what I wanted – to be with that person.
I may put up with the relationship a little longer, hoping that things will change – the wait and see syndrome, or I may just leave and move on with life, expecting another new experience to come into my space again in due time. Or, I may, just like many other lovers – engaged, married and settled down to life; begin a new adjustment to what has been bonded.
What is it that makes me move into or away from a relationship? Personality, looks, character, attitude, or what? There are many ideas to that and some are valid, at least for a certain period of time until things change! Now if I were to direct my attention inwards and listen to what I am attracted to instead of listening to what my head wants, I may come to a new frontier of understanding to the reasons of my choices in my relationships.
I came to realize that the form or character of that person has nothing much to do at all with my choices, though my head thinks I am deciding from that angle. I may be taught from media influences or parental/friends advices on what kind of relationship I should incline towards but when it comes to my own journey, in truth, I am no longer in charge, except by what is in me. My choices are much limited and confirmed mainly from whatever ideas that I already have in my system, formed from the many years or even lifetimes of interactions. In fact, there is no choice at all except matching of what is in my database, the mind’s hard disk. I am dancing to the tune of my ideas, to my same lingo, so to speak.
I am drawn to a relationship by what fits into my idea. If I have an idea of abandonment in my life and if a person crosses my path that seems to offer me a sense of belonging, at least for that temporary period of time, I will unconsciously be attracted to it and begin to find ways of bonding that relationship. Sad to say, I find that many a time the mind will manipulate its way through sweet talking, subtly lying, conformity or even giving up one’s integrity for the sake of making that relationship work. And to keep that relationship bonded, I will consistently adjust myself by giving in to the others’ needs – a very exhausting and painful process indeed – just to make sure that my fear of being abandonment will not arise. I am living my dream world and manipulating others to fit into my dream. But how could that be possible as attitude changes all the time? What I perceive in that person is only what I want from them – but in reality that person does not offer me what I want all the time.
Hence when I don’t see that reality, I am creating my doom again. That person may find my presence suffocating as I try ways of making him fit into my need. In reality, no one has rejected or abandoned me. My playing up of fear of being abandoned jeopardizes my own relationship.
It is interesting to observe here that the people I am attracting into my field are seldom for my highest growth except to maintain my status quo. Instead of surrendering to what comes to me, trusting that each every person that crosses my path has something for me to grow out from my box, I choose people that fits into my need and move away from those who push my buttons.
How much then have we grown throughout the years? Or have we even? It is not that destiny or the God in our perception is unfair – everything, yes EVERYTHING, within our own field is our doing, albeit an unconscious movement. We doomed ourselves in many ways. We jeopardize our own growth. When we don’t seek what is within us, we destroy ourselves in long term. When we seek what is within us, what is within us will assist us to find a way out from the narrow confinement of our own created box.
So what is it that we are attracted to in any person we seemingly like? A piece of missing jigsaw that we are seeking to make our storyline perfect – and our jigsaw formation are none other than all our experiences we have of our past – the ideas and views that we conclude from each encounter that conditioned us to look at things in a very specific and peculiar way, many a times not based on wisdom, but rather judgments and ignorant of what is. It is a vicious cycle and when we don’t take moments to inquire why this is happening in our lives, we are led blindly by the nose to another experience that repeats what is in the past. Scary? Indeed.
Be it pleasant or an unpleasant journey, know that my present journey is but a continuation of what I have not undone from the past. I am the creator of my own bondage in a very unconscious way.
Read another synchronized entry from JournalingTruth titled Healing the Abandoned for a better insight.
Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.
- A Course In Miracles
Deepest Truth means Looking Within
Posted on 24 June 2010 | No responses
Finding your deepest truth means looking within. It means not blaming other people, not playing the victim and not spending time feeling sorry for yourself. When you look more deeply at any situation, you can always see that you set it up for your growth. In any situation you feel you were a victim you always had an inkling of what was going on, and ignored opportunities to change things.
As you look more deeply at things that really bother you, I want to propose a thought: Nothing you are upset about is caused by what you think. For instance, you may be upset that your friend accused you of doing something you didn’t do. Upon deeper examination, you will find that it is a recreation of an earlier pain, played out over and over in changing scenery with different people until you resolve it. It may be a reenactment of a childhood drama in which you were accused of things you didn’t do. Pain, anger, or resentment you feel now almost always comes from a similar childhood experience. You recreate the pain so that you can move beyond it. Next time you feel angry at someone, stop. Close your eyes and go within. See that you have had similar experiences before. Realize that you are reliving some childhood decision and that now is an opportunity to end this pattern in your life and come from your deepest truth. Realize other people are only drawn to play out certain roles with you to help you evolve. Let go of any anger or blame you have towards them.
Sanaya Roman (Channel for Orin), Personal Power through Awareness
Denial Makes Projection
Posted on 23 June 2010 | No responses
I see similarity of denial taught in A Course in Miracle with the Buddha’s teaching on moha, or ignorance. To ignore is to deny what is already in existence and thus creating a whole entire web of delusion of “I”.
What I deny I project
All projections are denial. And all denial results in projection. When I deny something within me, I make an image out of the world by seeing it as separate from me, as against me. For instance, if I don’t acknowledge my inability to be fully responsible for my own choices, and when someone is to suggest an idea that may seems to be in total opposite to what I choose, I am bound to see him as attacking or against me. In another perspective, if someone is unable to accept what is in his or her space, say an illness, that person will see the illness as an enemy to oppose. He/she will seek further evidences to make the illness wrong and by doing so only make matters worse by solving the symptom without working on the source of the dis-ease. In another example, if I see someone as better than me, I am not seeing the comparison as a self-judgment I have made upon myself. I am continuously projecting out into the world what I am denying, by making the world my enemy. In other words when I judge others, irrelevant whether the judgment is a positive or negative comment, I am in truth, judging myself.
Projection makes perception
When I take the projection as reality, not understanding that they are merely pointing to a denial within me, I make this reality into further perception – seeing realness in it. Back to the example of the inability to be steadfast in my own choices – my denial of this fact makes me project in others as attacking my freedom to choose. This in return makes me perceive others as “enemy”, “wrong”, “bad”, “unfair” or towards myself as a “victim”, with a “poor me” mentality. Observe how a beginning of denial creates a snowballing effect of misperceptions which makes us seek further evidences to proof ourselves or others as “right” and “wrong”.
Whenever there is ignorance of things as they truly are, I am subjected to a truckload of self-suffering, not to mention the suffering of others too. Everything begins with me and ends in me. When I don’t see the source of my projection, I fail to see the end of my own mind-made suffering. Indeed painful are repeated lessons until I see the truth of its reality. As a matter of fact, nothing actually occurred in terms of perception except for what is playing out in the mind.
It takes a renewed awakening, the remembering to be aware of the source of all projections that can lead me out of this entanglement. So long as I do not turn my attention inwards to every relationship I have; be it animate or inanimate; I will not be able to recognize the source of my suffering – be it in any forms of attachment or resistance. I am the creator of my own suffering, the cause of suffering, the ending of suffering, and the way leading out of suffering.
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