Love, or more accurately, infatuation, is a queer thing. When I said “I love you” I am to mean I am having a pleasant feeling towards a certain character(s) you are exhibiting at that point of time. In truth, I am not loving the “you” per se except the character(s) that I am fond of. If a certain character I wanted is not present when I desired it, then I “don’t love you”. Strangely I am addicted to my needs rather than “loving you”. Am I unconsciously betraying you by my own needs? Or am I betraying myself for not seeing this reality?
Each time when you fulfilled my quota for that pleasant feeling, I can love you, temporarily. I can be infatuated for days from that feeling, but yet I know it will be temporal. For that I keep hoping from you that you can give me what I need – my addiction. I will go all out to make you recreate that character. I will buy you flowers, I will try to accommodate your needs, I will try many other ways of pleasing you – all for the sake of fulfilling my addictive desire. I may or may not notice my own unwholesome actions geared towards manipulating you. But one thing is for sure, if I no longer able to get what I want, the relationship may or may not continue. Even if it continues, it is not because of my love for you, but a payoff that I am not willing to depart. It could be my face, my status, my insecurity and a thousand more other reasons.
I seldom look into myself why I am using you to get what I want. It never occurred to me that when I resolved my addiction, I will end my need to manipulate you for my own gain, which is so unpredictable and random. Probably I would have accepted you 100% for who you are instead of what I think you should be.
That reminded me back of the story of a princess pricked by a thorn on her first day out at the garden. Unable to accept the pain, the princess angrily request the king to pave the whole entire garden with leather so that she need not experience similar discomfort in the future. That worries the king as covering the whole entire garden is not only impractical but also expensive. For that he summons a wise man to resolve his woe. After pondering for a moment, the wise man replied with a smile. Give each sole a piece of leather for the princess to wear!
Similarly, solving my own inner issue will be more productive than to keep seeking outside for my own addiction. Am I ready to start on this journey? I would not know. What I would know is that so long as I don’t see what I am doing is to my own unhappiness, I will never find another effective way of solving it.
Whither love, whither love? I suspect you may be doing the same to me, probably in a different way. Imagined if both of us are doing the same thing at each other and we are not conscious about it – what on earth is our relationship for, except to feed our addictions?