There is a Chinese saying that goes as “biting at the teeth tendon” that finds its meaning in English as “take the bull by its horn”. This saying frequently jumps up to my forefront whenever I am being confronted with my own inner demons – when my unaddressed ancient emotions take their myriad forms of abandonment, disapproval, loneliness, unfairness, hurt, and many of its relatives.
So easily it is, in those moments, to direct those feelings into someone else’s responsibility and to champion the righteousness of what I think is right and wrong. So quickly do I come to defend my hurt, and attack whoever that seemingly created my pain. Have I acted out insanely that instead of dousing my house on fire , I busily set another on fire? Where is wisdom? Difficult indeed is the journey of reclaiming my innocence, as so often do I end up being a victim of circumstances, though ironically it is those events that are indicators of my innocence given up.
The spiritual journey is difficult, it was said, and yes, I have to attest to that. But it is only difficult because we are not taught to see correctly, to see what is behind the veil of our emotions. There is no sufficient right information available that allow us to “take the bull by its horn” so to speak, as to enable us to come face to face with our own stuffs, instead of projecting it elsewhere as a backdoor for us to escape. But is there really a backdoor or just a fabrication which, we have to come to terms with in a matter of time if we wish to find our way out to freedom?
I was there before and still am, especially when I am not mindful and play the game of projecting my unconscious guilt. And I am deeply grateful to many teachers and guides that showed and informed me that everything that I require to cut the entanglement of bondage, is found right here and right now in the mind, only if I am willing to look at it.
But it is not a pleasant and easy journey that anyone of us likes to face, for it brings out so much anguish, grief, suffering and pain whenever it arises. It takes overwhelming integrity, commitment and faith to work on those stuffs. Surprisingly we only get familiar with them whenever we are being triggered but sad to say, even in moments of our perceived happiness, we are constantly plagued by those stuffs, in short – ego, defilements or demon, whatever word you wish to have.
And what is it like to have them entirely gone, at least for one moment? My teacher once asked me what is it that I experience when I come out of anger. I was not sure and found his answer rather amusing – non anger! Now it dawns upon me the simplicity of that experience and yet profound – bliss deriving from the freedom of cankers, even for a moment. To be free from anger, or for that matter any defilement, is indeed a great blessing. More importantly is to see blessing in anger itself, when, in the midst of that strong emotion, is the spirit of non-anger working simultaneously together with it. Peace is always here for me, not necessary after or before the storm. And not to mention Freedom too.
Do you hear Silence in the midst of sound? Do you recognize Peace in the midst of ruffle? And do you find Freedom in the midst of bondage? It is here, and will be, as always, only when u journey within.
And this article is in reverence to an entry written by another soul who too is towards her journey of innocence, of freedom – Full Frontier. I trust the integrity you find in her is in you too, perhaps if not now, then in the very near future. Welcome to Spirit!