Posted on

Super-duper Copy Cat

The world is not the only place where imitation stuff is available openly. The mind too has its own share of imitation, if not more. Since the body is in the mind, the statement what is within, so is without is an eternal truth.

The ego is constantly imitating the spirit. Whenever there are aha‘s moment, inspired by the spirit, the ego instantly took up its position, imitating the experience as a new thought and feeling. Excitement and eagerness is its expression. There are times the ego fail in its pursuit of imitation but that does not stop the ego from executing its contingency plan: creating a conspiracy by dissuading me to distrust the inspiration.It can even ultimately go as far as killing the inspiration, if everything fails. The nature of ego is destructive. The nature of wisdom is constructive. Both are moving on the opposite direction.

The destructive nature of ego may not be seen directly in its true form but there are tell-tale signs of ego. There are in fact a huge retinue of relatives, each pairing the experience of spirit. Even wisdom is not spared –  ego has its pirated version too! The clear distinction of wisdom is understanding or realization. The clear distinction of ego is answers. That makes knowledge and realization different. Truth has no answers except realization. Awareness, an important criteria to wisdom, has also been pirated!

Guilt is one big time imitator. I have come across many seekers, renunciates not excluded, that buy into the idea of guilt – that it is the pathway to goodness. Guilt too has fooled me many a times until vigilant comes to my rescue. And ego never stops at guilt. It creates a duo out of it- shame in the past and fear in the future. There are the trio that is found in the mentality of victim, rescuer and persecutor. How wonderful a creation ego has.

So it was said that when one is not on the pathway of enlightenment, the ego is not on its alert as wisdom is entirely unheard off in the system. You can imagine what it is like when wisdom grows. Many a times truth seekers are faced with constant reminder of the egoic pattern, as if their own ego is increasing instead of decreasing. That is the nature of the pathway as to come closer to truth you have to faced what is not true. And what you have to face has to come into existence. So, if you find yourself terrible, remember it is not you – just remember that ego is showing its nature.Yet there is another kind of seekers, whom are not vigilant, are consumed by the ego. I coined this pathway spiritual ego. Glorifying the ego without one knowing – that is when I am unaware!

Another way to recognize ego or spirit is by their status – cause or effect. For instant, forgiveness. Are you aware you can’t do forgiveness – you can’t simply forgive someone because your faith tells you so, or someone forces you to.  Forgiveness is born out from understanding. Forgiveness is effect. You can’t do effect except to work on the causes such that when understanding arise, forgiveness naturally unfold. Whenever I am angry I can’t forgive someone who makes me angry, at least during the duration of my anger. If I were to truly understand the situation of that moment, by exploring my cause of anger and at times inviting myself to understand the underlying situation of my so-called victim, I may come to an insight that immediately ceases my anger, unfolding forgiveness. Forgiveness do me rather than I do forgiveness.

The more I understand myself the more I see the ego closer and clearer. That reminds me of the exclamation made by the Buddha upon his enlightenment:

Through the round of many births I roamed without reward, without rest, seeking the house-builder. Painful is birth again & again.

House-builder, you’re seen! You will not build a house again. All your rafters broken, the ridge pole dismantled, immersed in dismantling, the mind has attained to the end of craving.

Dhammapada (153-154)

Can you recognize ego? Patience and endurance, acceptance and tolerance, compassion and pity, forgiveness and forget? Which is which? Try practising the former of each and one ends himself in Ego!

Posted on

I am Frightened by… Me!

I can only want something because I thought I have not. When I have the idea I don’t have and my want is not met I will see “what I can’t have” as an attack. Each perceived attack will be retaliated as a defense in my system. In this drama I am frightened by what I have created. If I have a idea that I can possess you, I will try all means to win you over. Each failure produced an idea that you are rejecting me. The more I thought you are rejecting me, the more I will try to reach you out. All this drama is occuring in the mind, created by the mind and got threatened by mind. Like a child having an idea of what is in the dark, will be frightened by the darkness.

Over and over I observed this drama unfolding in the mind – creating an idea and got frightened by it, again creating another idea and got frightened by it, incessantly, unwarily,  playing, unending, unquestioned – until a space is created for observation to take place, for understanding to develop and for freedom to arise, from the tyranny of this insanity.

If I think what I did is wrong, I will feel guilty and shame over it. I will also feel fearful what I have done will be known. Guilt is the present, shame in the past and fear is in the future. They are trio that never departs. If I think what I did is wrong, I will also think that “I should not have done it” as right. Wrong and right are duo that never departs. Is it possible “I should not have done it” arise at that point of my doing or is it just a wishful thinking of the past? If I don’t question this idea, I would have fully bought into my imagination. I would have, like any of my unquestioned seekers, think that I need to feel guilty to amend. The beginning of a wrong idea creates a stream of wrong ideas, strangling me tighter and tighter. One moment of awareness and wise questioning is enough to begin the ending of the stream of delusion.

Is there such a thing as wrong action? Yes and no. Depending whether I am seeing it from the perspective of ego or spirit (ignorant or wisdom). If it is seen from the eyes of ego, the result will be judgment and condemnation, and it binds me deeper into bondage, into distress. From the eyes of wisdom, it sees the cause of the guilt and the unprofitability of repeating it in the future.  Both have different end results. One has fear of doing, the other has understanding of non-doing, seeing it as unnecessary and non-beneficial, instead of right or wrong.

In the eyes of wisdom it is not about the action per se that is right or wrong, but the understanding of the cause and effect of the action that necessitate me to take the right action. I can learn much from the danger of a drunkard murderer than from a restrained person who doesn’t drink. I am not meaning that I need to do wrong for me to understand cause and effect but to see any meaning of wrongness occurring in the mind as opportunities for understanding and wisdom to arise.

Posted on

Random Eyes, Keen Eyes

Observation is key to understanding a situation. To a scientist, it is the detailed thorough observation that brings about the confirmation of what has been observed. Not once, or twice – but probably umpteen times until the data of each observation tallies with each other.

There are two kinds of observation I have observed in myself – random and keen. Random observation has spaces in between, interrupted by resistance and holding on, wanting and not wanting, with unawareness as its space. When a process is observed randomly, the potential of error is higher. Whereas in keen observation, the tendencies of error is minimize, if not null. Keen observation has the potential of deep understanding.

To observe is not to put any judgment, meaning, opinions or ideas onto it. Observation has the attitude of bearing witness to what is. When I observed I am constantly aware of the intrusion of wanting and not wanting coming into the space. “I” have the tendencies of getting into the way instead of allowing Nature to unfold. I can’t not stop wanting or not wanting except to recognize and acknowledge its presence. By doing so, wanting and not wanting releases me instead of me trying to stop it from arising. In fact, there is no way of me stopping it from arising as I would not know when it will arise until it arise. And what arises cannot be undone as it passed away immediately, replaced by a new arising again. To stop it is futile and delusional. What I can only do is to be present to it, bearing witness without condemning it or fixing it. When I fully accept wanting or not wanting as what is, it releases me instead as I no longer give it the power.

On the same note, wanting or not wanting can be a very important object for me to observe and to understand. It is the block that I need to recognize rather than seeking for the Truth. Realization arises from understanding a situation. Understanding can only come into being when I observe keenly what I need to understand. And for observation to arise, awareness of the present moment is required. In the awareness I am also recognizing constantly that my attitude is not contaminated by wanting and not wanting.