Illusion to Reality

“I am” has no Me in it except Meanings
Isn’t it mean to put a meaning that means not “me”?

What is passion? To my idea, the word “passion” has a connotation of sensuality in it. I never questioned how this idea was derived until now. As I schemed through my memory bank, I “saw” this experience coming from a novel I read many years ago, probably 30 years, found on my brother’s bookshelf. The book had a tint of eroticism in it. And that is how the meaning of passion got stuck on me! Do you now see how meanings of words become our reality?

That reminds me back of my journey as a Buddhist, many years ago. Not that I am no longer a Buddhist now, nor can I say I am still one. Again this is touching on the topic of neither this nor that but simply beyond both. Anyway, I have been taught through readings and sharing that “God” does not exist in Buddhism. Young at heart and blazing with enthusiasm then, I took this fact without an iota of doubt and made it my gospel of truth. I never questioned its meaning and now on looking back, it is an obvious arrogance and blindness on my part. The problem with this idea is that whenever I read any book that has the word God on it as its cover, I would totally put it back on the shelf altogether, irrelevant whether the book is expounding love, freedom or peace in it. I see total wrongness at it. Period. I never questioned my own defiled limiting thought patterns. All I knew was that I was advocating Truth (hmm… what Truth?).

Isn’t that the nature of the mind, the nature of an undeveloped mind? Play a game with yourself. Observe throughout the day the meaning you have on words. You will be shocked by the resistance and holding on to each meaning that comes through you. But they are merely words that point to something, not what it is, and yet they define our reality, which in reality are all empty and meaningless. My meaning of a word may be totally different from how you defined yours – isn’t what conflicts are all about? A person who uses the word “bullshit” frequently would not be able to see the impact it has upon others who are sensitive to that word. Similarly the word “love” has different impact on people who are betrayed, loved, cared, abused, or whatever meaning they have accepted in their system. Don’t take words too seriously, they define the speaker, not the listener.

For many years I had difficulty coming to peace with the meaning of God. I am my own enemy within, struggling to kill the God within me. I tried suppressing it by moving away from shelves that talked about God. I shun the word by shifting my attention elsewhere. What hell I was in, albeit an unconscious one. Only until the day I realized it was the idea in the mind that I needed to reconcile with, and that concerned no one (as if concern on others works!), only then my journey of compassion begun. I came upon a book that changed the way I looked at God – not that I had come to peace with God but came to peace with the idea of God. The meaning found in that book jived with my set of ideas which I was  already having in my system. Nothing changed except the change of perception. And that freed me from the tyranny of God. Not really God but my clinging on to the idea of God.

Similarly, for those who have an ingrained meaning of God within them, I invite you to consider that the meaning you have of God is not what it is, except whatever god-knows-what idea that you have entered into your system. To experience something, to make it self-evident, be it God or what not, whatever ideas found in our system has to be fully defragmented and probably reformatted before full realization comes to our fold. Only when we come to peace with what’s within can we come to Peace, finally.

And that is all it is in our system – views: unquestioned views. Isn’t what communication is all about in our lives? We only agree to those who jive with our ideas. When we don’t agree to what others say, we bring in another idea to jive it in, so as not to create any conflict within or without. That idea is called “agreeing to disagree”. But isn’t that another way of putting it bluntly that I need you but I don’t need to support your idea?  And observe that we have never gotten out from our old idea except redefining it.  We broaden the scope of ideas to encompass others into our field. Like multi-level marketing, we only increase the downliners but who we are have never changed. Is that ignorance, or wisdom?

Wisdom finds peace in solitude and impartiality in din. Never once does wisdom hold on or resist any situation. It melts into it with ease without conflict. It has no personal agenda as personality is not in its equation.  It has no motive of “what’s in it for me” as each response is coming from the space of peace and freedom, with love as its nature.

So is there God? I don’t know. What I only know is that there is a vastness far beyond the conditioning of the mind could ever perceived and that requires no name, no meaning. To put a name on it leads me back to the finger, not the moon.

It is amusing to observe the people coming into my life as I sit quietly listening to the conversations they have with me and also the conversations they have with others – the inner chatter that each and every one of us carry as we exchange words now and then to complete what needs to be completed, within us.

At times the conversations are frivolous, focusing on issues that are none of my business. But the mind loves poking fun on others as if I was given the rights to intervene in another’s life. As if I have the rights to chart their lives with shoulds and should nots frequently arises in the chattering. Very often the sentences have smacks of complaints more than compliments. And if ever there are compliments, it has, many a times, come from the space of self-unworthiness or as a means to negate the guilt that has arisen due to the complaints.  Rarely the compliments are genuine expression of love – except when my heart quivers with intense joy and has the need to express appreciation.

There are conversations that are done just for the sake of killing time or entertaining a meaningless topic that was left unresolved in the mind. I do wonder at times how much nonsensical stuff is floating in the mind, waiting to be pulled out for others to take on. It is like sweeping rubbish out of the house, expecting others to clean it up for me. But of course that is an impossible feat as whatever ideas that I have can never leave me until I resolve it within, through the right understanding. Whatever I throw out only magnifies it, more so when unwarranted views are added on it, which occurs all the time. Do you notice that conversations that are not supportive of our views will end abruptly, either through a moving away, albeit diplomatically; or, a change of topic? Worst, the conversation may even turn into an argument when my expectation is not met as I struggle to hold steadfastly to my righteous view.

Yet there is another kind of conversation that arises due to boredom – the desire to escape from it or the need to kill it, as if it is wrong to have it in the system. Usually this kind of conversation leads meaninglessly nowhere, and even if it does come up meaningful, it is always about something that excites or agitates the mind. That is what the mind loves, away from the boring boredom.

Rarely conversations are stricken for the sake of making peace with oneself. Even if that is genuinely our main purpose, there are always loopholes along the conversation for the ego awaits for opportunities to seek for approval or for resounding support from others to see it “my way”. And rarely the conversation is completed with a sense of peace and love. At most time, it is a fulfillment of satisfaction of needs being met and seeds for conspiracy to germinate.

There are conversations of the ego and conversations of Spirit, or conversation of ignorance and conversation of wisdom. Listen deeply and you will know the difference. At any point we have the choice to turn it around either from ego to Spirit or Spirit to ego, depending whether we are inclining towards desire or inspiration. It is not about right or wrong, but about peace or war that we wage upon ourselves. Others are only here for us to make choices for our own sake, for in reality the inner world is what we are dealing with and that is all we have; though the ego tends to trick us to think that there is someone out there for us.

The word “relate” (re + late) is to mean to connect with what has just immediately past – to refer to the previous, prior to the present moment. Do you know that we can only be aware of something after it arises, not concurrently or otherwise? We can only be aware of anger after it arises, not before. As such it is beyond my capacity to say “I must not be angry” or “I should not be angry” for what has arisen cannot be instructed not to arise. It is like telling myself I do not want to experience the next moment, and yet the next moment comes, and another and another – who am I to say I don’t want it? Nature takes its course – who am I to dictate nature?

Similarly it is like forcing myself not to hear, except hearing is constantly occurring, irrelevant whether I want to or don’t want to hear. Hearing is none of my business. Hearing is nature. And the nature of hearing takes its own course, irrelevant of my needs of wanting or not wanting it. Do I have a choice in hearing? No. I am subjected to hearing unless and until the sense itself is impaired.

So what is relationship then? To be precise, relationship is our relation to nature – in short, relating to what comes up in me. In the normal terminology of relationship, we talk about relating to another, the affair or dynamics of relation. Yet in reality, there is no relationship out there “out there” except the way we relate to what comes into our space. In other words, we can’t relate to others except ourselves, though by form, there is an illusionary object for us to connect to.

On a deeper reality, everything is already on my plate, the cards changing itself each moment. I don’t have any say in it since what comes to me is beyond my needs, not to talk of expectations. Next comes a process that determines by next moment – my relationship to it. Anger arises – my relationship with anger determines the next moment. Guilt comes – my relationship with guilt charts my next experience. Unforgiveness forms – my relationship with unforgiveness spells my future emotion.  Everything – yes EVERYTHING that comes up is no longer something I can take charge of – except how I respond to it. And “everything” does not come in spurts – it comes constantly to me, whether I am ready for it or not.

Imagine a scene of arrows coming your way that has no intervals and more importantly, no end except you constantly responding to it without a break. That is the reality of the game of this mind – no rest. When nature knocks at my door, I am subjected to play the game of relationship, what choice do I have except how I play it? It is like entering the arena of a game and you have to flow with the game until it ends. But does the game of life ends? No. It doesn’t and it has no intervals. Not even in sleep. Dreams follow. You are relating to it all the time, irrespective whether you are conscious of it or not. It is on autopilot mode. Your experience of the now is predetermined by your unconscious reaction to what has just passed, albeit a brief moment ago. This is it – the truth of existence.

And all our relationship to nature, to what comes to us constantly, is unconscious. It is a life of weary patterns, if ever we define that as Life. How do we change the dynamic of relating, of our relationship to each passed immediate moment? Do we have a choice? Yes, only if we remember to be ever present to the way the relationship is occurring. Mindfulness is the beginning journey of wakefulness to this incessant process of relationship.

To observe and to recognize the dynamics of causal relationship of what passed and the reaction to it is wisdom at work. Overtime the maturity of this understanding brings about a new level of responding to what is. And that’s when a new way of relationship is formed – wisdom relating to what occurred instead of the usual ignorant automated reactions.

So when unforgiveness arise, stop targeting at anyone. It is a byproduct of how one relates to an internal experience that has just passed. It is the consequence of the way we relate to what is, not someone out there. To heal it, we have to awaken ourselves to this process. Only then can true peace and freedom come to our fold.