Illusion to Reality

Whenever I got something, I got two gifts out from that something. I never truly got that thing except the two gifts.  What two gifts? My pleasant and unpleasant feelings over it, depending what idea I have about that something.

If it is something that I like, according to my idea, I will feel joyful. That is my first gift. And yet behind that gift there is another gift – the fear of losing it or the need of having more.

If it is something that I dislike, according to my idea again, I will feel unhappy. That is my first gift. Behind that unhappy gift is another gift – the wish to get rid of it or to wish to have other than what is in the now. One is a feeling, the other a thought. And behind all is the idea.

This is truly my inheritant, what I thought I got is my illusion. I have never got them at all, except probably a chance to interact with it. Everything I possess, I owned nothing out of it except my experiences behind that owning.

The same with this body. I don’t have ownership over this body except a chance to interact with it. What I owned is the mind that is accompanying the body.

The mind is my inheritant and yet that is not true too. If I am able to see through the illusion of the mind, all its perceptions and feelings, even the mind cannot be said as mine. What is in the world, not excluding the mind, is not my inheritant.

Who am I then? “Who am I” is a question post towards the idea of “I am”. If there is no idea of “I am” where then is the need for question? In that letting go, freedom is understood.

What is this thing call “feeling”? “To feel” is to experience what is been perceived. Imagine what life is when there is no such a thing as feeling? I guessed the word that comes to many is meaningless. Thus we equate feeling as having a meaning. No feeling = no meaning. But that is an interpretation of feeling, not exactly feeling as feeling. If I enjoy muscle building work, the discomfort feeling deriving from each moment of weight-lifting can be meaningful. I feel great about it. But to another, weight-lifting can be a torturous experience – an unpleasant feeling – more so if he is doing it reluctantly, and thus he will see the experience as meaningless. But that is not what feeling is, except our idea about it. In reality there is no such a thing call pleasant or unpleasant feeling except the idea we put into what we are experiencing. It is like a pot of soup – what I put in is the taste I get.

If I have a wrong idea that no one should be better than me in a certain field, that idea brings about a “feeling of jealousy” when I think someone is better than me.  My wrong idea is the cause of the jealousy, not what is out there. If I have a wrong idea that if I give the best to you, and you should return the best to me, I will be devastated and experience betrayal (feeling betrayed) if it turned otherwise. If I have an idea slim is good, I will see fat as wrong. My feelings is determined by my ideas. Ideas make my feeling pleasant and unpleasant. Ideas without feeling is just another perception, another thought. And yet do not underestimate ideas – it is an invisible prison that limits my potentialities. It is also the cause of suffering and freedom.

What is wrong and right in ideas? I will never know until I experience distress and dis-ease. Both can be triggered by resistance or holding on. Faith talk about doing good but good can come from right or wrong ideas. If I do good out of fear, out of obligation, the end result of that act is always dis-ease, for what is wrong in the beginning will be wrong all the way, until it is been rectified through recognition. Marching for peace is an example. A good act to many, but the idea behind the act is confrontation and frustration, not to mention expectation.

In truth, happiness is unreal, so is happy or unhappy feeling. Happiness or unhappiness is just a result of what idea(s) I have. Wrong ideas can bring happiness and so is right ideas. There is nothing noble about happiness. If right and wrong ideas can determined happiness, then seeking happiness is detrimental to my spiritual journey. But if I were to view happiness and unhappiness as part of my creation of ideas, then that is spiritual, for it brings about wisdom in undoing what is unprofitable.

To many, life is about chasing after happiness. Happiness is found in money, in property, in relationship – how can that be true? I can have anything in the world and yet unhappy, so long as my ideas are wrong. I can be seeking independency but if my idea is motivated from anger of my past, my independency is futile as I am never complete no matter how independent I am. I am pursuing a losing battle.

Everything I want from this world, I need to investigate my idea. Once ideas are recognize, peace is always present. All the meaning I give to the world is the meaning I give to myself. I am playing my own game. There is no other player in the field.

What is feeling for? Your ability to experience your ideas :)

Not by making judgment is one wise, but by investigating both right and wrong is one wise.
– The Buddha

You cannot make the weak strong by making the strong weak
– Abraham Lincoln

To differentiate good and bad in my own experiences is to make judgement upon myself – disallowing myself to see the good in bad and the bad in good. To ignore bad is to cover up what is nature, instead of trying to understand nature. Whenever I ignore the strong force of guilt in my mind, I am trying to make the guilt weak – which in truth increases its force. To suppress the bad as to wish the good will increase is to mean increasing the bad by making the good seemingly small. For what I focus on becomes my reality. The more I ignore, the more I am giving attention to it, unwarily. I can only ignore something that I already know. I can’t ignore anything that is not within my space. Each ignoring is increasing my knowing.

To want good is to don’t want bad. To want bad is to don’t want good. Both good and bad is not the problem – my wanting is the problem. For each time I want something, I am already indicating I don’t want the opposite. To see both good and bad as nature brings me into equilibrium. Instead of making judgment or conclusion to what is right and what is wrong, let wisdom investigate what both are as to bring compassion and deeper wisdom into the space. And in that space of sanity, wholesomeness comes into my being.

I cannot avoid judgments arising as that is the work of the ego but I can be aware of the judgment and make wise contemplation upon it deriving a realization that is supportive of my mental peace, instead of avoiding bad and chasing after good. In the space of mental peace, wisdom chooses what is essential and what is inessential. Neither is one good or bad over another.

Zen does not call anger the problem, Zen does not call sex the problem, Zen does not call greed the problem, Zen does not call aggression, violence, the problem. Zen calls the root problem desiring – and all other problems arise out of desiring. Cut the root, and the whole tree disappears.
– Osho