Month: June 2010

I see similarity of denial taught in A Course in Miracle with the Buddha’s teaching on moha, or ignorance. To ignore is to deny what is already in existence and thus creating a whole entire web of delusion of “I”.

What I deny I project

All projections are denial. And all denial results in projection. When I deny something within me, I make an image out of the world by seeing it as separate from me, as against me. For instance, if I don’t acknowledge my inability to be fully responsible for my own choices, and when someone is to suggest an idea that may seems to be in total opposite to what I choose, I am bound to see him as attacking or against me. In another perspective, if someone is unable to accept what is in his or her space, say an illness, that person will see the illness as an enemy to oppose. He/she will seek further evidences to make the illness wrong and by doing so only make matters worse by solving the symptom without working on the source of the dis-ease. In another example, if I see someone as better than me, I am not seeing the comparison as a self-judgment I have made upon myself. I am continuously projecting out into the world what I am denying, by making the world my enemy. In other words when I judge others, irrelevant whether the judgment is a positive or negative comment, I am in truth, judging myself.

Projection makes perception

When I take the projection as reality, not understanding that they are merely pointing to a denial within me, I make this reality into further perception – seeing realness in it. Back to the example of the inability to be steadfast in my own choices – my denial of this fact makes me project in others as attacking my freedom to choose. This in return makes me perceive others as “enemy”, “wrong”, “bad”, “unfair” or towards myself as a “victim”, with a “poor me” mentality. Observe how a beginning of denial creates a snowballing effect of misperceptions which makes us seek further evidences to proof ourselves or others as “right” and “wrong”.

Whenever there is ignorance of things as they truly are, I am subjected to a truckload of self-suffering, not to mention the suffering of others too. Everything begins with me and ends in me. When I don’t see the source of my projection, I fail to see the end of my own mind-made suffering. Indeed painful are repeated lessons until I see the truth of its reality. As a matter of fact, nothing actually occurred in terms of perception except for what is playing out in the mind.

It takes a renewed awakening, the remembering to be aware of the source of all projections that can lead me out of this entanglement. So long as I do not turn my attention inwards to every relationship I have; be it animate or inanimate; I will not be able to recognize the source of my suffering – be it in any forms of attachment or resistance. I am the creator of my own suffering, the cause of suffering, the ending of suffering, and the way leading out of suffering.

Upon reading Paul Ferrini’s article on Inner Authority, it came to my realization that a major number of upsets that I have each day; projected mainly upon someone or something else, other than myself; has much to do with my non inner authority.

Within a day I was able to see how much integrity I actually have in myself; for example, my day with my spouse. It started in the morning where I wanted to have some time for myself and I did not voice it out to Lai Fun. Instead, I had this defensive mentality that all I wanted was free space – all for myself. Obviously when I am defensive, I am already preparing for an attack, albeit an unconscious one; even if the request that came at any moment in time could be as trivial as answering a phone call. When I do not express what I need, or be an authority to my inner intention but instead defend myself, I am already in a state of dis-ease; and surely, any trigger, irrelevant whether it is essential or not, is enough to make me see anyone, or even anything, as wrong. I was never at peace and I saw the mind being in constant lookout to either defend or attack anyone who “robs my time”. And I could see how the mind grumbled and used my spouse as a scapegoat for blaming, for taking up “my precious time”. How on earth would she had known what was it that I wanted?

Of course, if I was loving and had the attitude of give and take, such upset would not have arisen in the first place – but wait-a-minute, let me be clear – have I been an incessant pleaser and giver, instead of a balanced player of receiving and giving? The question here is not about compromising, which is very often being played out by so-called “loving” couples – in fact, it is because of compromising that we are always in feud with our partners; irrespective whether it is spoken or, in silence. One obvious sign is to observe the communication between couples – are we still in loving talking terms or are we merely silent throughout the day; though silence is still a form of communication – though passive in nature? I remember a friend who once mentioned about his relationship with his spouse – “we seldom talk, and everything is fine” until he embarked on his own self healing journey. There is so much deceit we have upon ourselves, learnt from a culture, carried forward from an unquestioned societal norm that we are unaware of.

I can’t live for others except to be true to myself. At each moment, I am called to vocalize my needs and each expression is a form of verbalizing my inner authority, particular if it has to involve another. If I am to express myself as a way to defend my needs, I am no longer standing in my own space of authority but authorizing others. My expression of defense may be in a form of subtle attack, by trying to control others in giving out fear. By doing so, I am not trusting that a consistent loving expression is my stand of integrity. I am afraid of being moved by others’ view, not truly seeing that it is actually my weakness in standing up for my needs – and to curb that, I use fear as a hasty way of to convey my needs so that I need not face my shortcomings. Doing so weakens my own inner authority further.

Even with my needs, I am invited to question them further. Is my need based on fear, which in reality is a ‘want’ in disguised? When there is a “wanting” I am already projecting a lack in me which is another façade of fear. When I want something, am I trying to control a situation to get what I desire? If such is the case, I am already expressing authority over others, short changing myself in the process. It is pretty tricky as I keep balancing myself between inner authority; either over or under-extending myself by being an authority for others or having no authority for myself.

There is only one thing that is clear – so long as I am upset, I can be sure I have sold my soul away, so to speak. I am not honest with myself.