Month: January 2010

I feel so sentenced by your words
I feel so judged and sent away
Before I go I got to know
Is that what you mean to say?
Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?
Words are windows, or they’re walls,
They sentence us, or set us free.
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.
There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don’t make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?
If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn’t care,
Try to listen through my words
To the feelings that we share.

– Ruth Bebermeyer
(from the book Nonviolent Communication – A Language of Life)

Another sharing here about walls and windows found in The Sunday Star (Nov 8, 2009) on Berlin Wall:

WALLS are tricky things,” muses Goethe-Institut’s Communications and Internet Staff department head Prof Dr Michael Jeissman.

“The walls of your home protect you from harm and intruders, but they could also serve to isolate you from what’s outside.”

I have issues with accusations, and I used to find myself having difficulty containing my composure each time I am being targeted. When I enter into the journey of self-understanding the nature of the mind, through the introspective practice of awareness, I resolved to take time to work with this meaning that I am always vulnerable too.

While in the process of self-awareness, I found out that I too unconsciously accuse others for what they have or have not done. What I realized was that I do not have the wisdom as yet to recognize the actual situation of that moment and instead judge and make hasty conclusions on what I perceived. I am buying into my thoughts, so to speak, believing everything I think as true. This first revelation makes me understand others as myself too – not having the wisdom to discern.

Over time a new perspective emerges in me – I saw that each meaning of accusation I give to the world, is a self-accusation I give to myself. What can be a better way to camouflage my shortcomings then to project it out to the world. The more authentic I am, the more I see that I am trying to fix the world of as is. Why am I agitated by Nature? Am I not accepting something within me? Am I deceiving myself again? If I am truly confident of myself, what are then comments to me? As I probe deeper with openness into my own shadows, I experienced a vivid childhood event whereby I was been “innocently” accused by my mum, or that is what I thought it is at that point of time. Did my mum purposely accuses me or is it my own interpretation that she is accusing me? Could it be that I am holding on to my view as right and that she is wrong. Have I given myself a chance to understand her? My interpretation of her accusing me is actual my own judgment. As I judged others, so am I judged.

The more I start to observe my ideas the more I start to get real with it – I find that many a times my judgment are all derived from my old ideas. Each judgment has prior ideas to it and each new judgment reaffirms that old idea. I start to realize how I create stress in myself by making ideas real. Instead of trying to analyze the content of each idea I proceed to seeing ideas as simply ideas – a mental construct of the mind, a fabrication.

Recently I observed that I am able to overcome my accusation issues much more speedier then before, as I see that it is just my own idea I put into the issue that makes accusation real to me. I recognized that I can’t remove or change the construct of ideas except to be mindful and recognizing them as it is – that the idea is not me, except an old conditioning of ignorance. By that understanding alone ideas naturally removed themselves, as I no longer give power to the meaning.  On another perspective, I also start to understand that whatever other speaks, they are speaking from their own ideas too that they are not mindful of. There is no possibility I could see them as wrong once I understood that if I am unmindful of my ideas, I too will act the same.

As I understand myself I understand the world. Instead of judgment, compassion naturally unfolds.

The flow of the river is benevolent, finding its own pathways and levels wherever it arrives, irrespective of what obstacles or blocks that is in front of it. I like to imagine Nature as such. Nature is benevolent, balancing itself in ways I could imagined and whatever shortsightedness I have upon Nature is not what Nature is expressing ultimately. I have been shown again and again to trust and surrender to Nature, for Nature knows best.

If I am traveling on the river, I will be moving according to the way Nature flows and for that I don’t see the river as as a threat to my journey. But for a moment if I am adamant and wish to turn towards the opposite direction of the river flow, suddenly I am been given the impression that the river is moving against me. I will not be able to recognize that it was my own doing that go against Nature that brought about the meaning of Nature going against me. I am at fault with nature, so to speak.

Nature is what is. The same too with all the experiences that is flowing in my life – anything that comes to me through my five bodily senses – be it seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching – they are all Nature. When I don’t see experiences as Nature I am in fact going against what is – I desire other than what is, I resist other than what is; I desire for what is, I resist for what is – either one, I am against Nature. For Nature cannot be stopped, control or fixed according to my whim and fancy. I can actually do whatever I want, but it does change Nature at all. What changes is only my perception of Nature, not Nature itself. For that I am in error with Nature.

Imagine a scene of me requesting my wife for a comment of what I have just designed. The moment I seek for comment, I am already meaning that I need another person’s approval. Thus if the comment is not to my approval, I will see her as a threat against my needs. I don’t see her action as what is – that whatever she speaks, she is speaking from her own point of view and I can never know what it is. If her comment is supportive of my need for approval, I am also moving against Nature – as I perceived that Nature is flowing with me rather than I am flowing with Nature. Whichever way I come from an idea that is against Nature, I will be misinterpreting what Nature is offering me for my highest good.

Look at the mind as Nature too – I can’t know what mood it is offering me. Neither can I tell what feelings I am into the next moment except to welcome what is already here for me to experience at each moment. There is no way I can change the course of the mind as the mind too is Nature. If I am upset – the sooner I accept my upset, the faster I come into peace with myself. If I try to hide my upset, I will be creating a reservoir of flow which will be overwhelming in proportion in due time. If I indulge with upset by hitting out at others, I am forcing Nature to move at a certain direction, which is an impossible task. I thought I may have won the game of deception, but whom I deceived is only myself, except colored by my own perception. Again Nature is benevolent. It does not teach me a lesson by going against me except I will see my own folly in due time for what I have deceived myself.

If I truly wish Nature to teach me lessons, I just have to surrender and flow with it, which includes my mind and body too. Then can I truly experience what peace and freedom Nature can offer.