Author: asitisnow

I attended the first phase Ascension Workshop last weekend and find their method of addressing defilements, or ‘grooves’ as they put it, interesting and refreshing. Other than the experience of meditation that emphasizes on open and close eyes meditation, not having any particular rigid way of sitting, and yes, also lying down meditation which is much encouraged throughout the day; what etched deeply in my mind is the statement made by the monk at the end of the session which comes in the form of a question – the original question given by the founder, MSI, that inspired many more to take on this journey: Which area in your life have you compromised?

I find the question relevant and profound – in fact, it points towards the direction of human suffering that each of us try to resolve or escape from in our daily basis, if not every moment of our lives, and yet not fully finding a foolproof way of ending suffering that leads to everlasting peace. Normally we tend to relate compromise with sacrifice as in not honouring our hearts but to be subjugated to things we are not happy to do. Yet, strangely, even if there are truly moments of happiness, guilt may appear asunder, throwing us off balance from what we are already enjoying – hence compromising ourselves again. And even if there is no conscious guilt present, the unknowing mind may have compromised in taking on lesser happiness for the higher, simply just to feed the need of what has been repressed or addicted earlier.

It can be a common dilemma of choosing what is good for one’s health over food that we like and making a compromise within not to repeat it again. Or to resign to a situation of conflict that we are not ready to face so as not to stir up the worst in us though we very well know that the best may emerge from it subsequently. There are even situations where we do not have the clarity to choose what is truly best for us, having both equal pros and cons for each possibility, hence bringing us into situations where confusion reigns and regretting later the choices we have made.

What is it that you really, really, want – asked another teacher of mine. And he reiterated further that if one is truly one-minded about it, then guilt or compromise will not surface. But his question is tricky and profound as what we usually want, be it money, relationship, career, health, etc., is constantly about something to cover-up what we do not want – to mean that what we want is to fix what we do not want – though that is not the essence of his question. What I am trying to say is that what we think we really, really want may not be the very root of our want. We only focus on what we don’t want and make demands around it. It is ignorance of what is there and finding ways of not facing it. So a truer question will be – what is it that you are ignoring that makes you compromise on your peace? Do you know?

Just by attending to this one question, or any similar question for that matter that directs one to self-inquiry; the mystery of life’s suffering will see its end – perhaps not when one is not ready on the pursuit for Truth and nothing but the Truth. What is Truth then? Suffering and the end of suffering. Don’t you think compromise is suffering?

Months ago, an expectant feline found sanctuary at the halfway staircase leading to our cultivation centre and gave birth to four little kittens. This is the second occurrence where another cat came in to give birth. It was simply a gesture of kindness to permit both the feline and its kitties to stay on for no one really knew what to do with them. And since that space is merely a service area, an understood consensus was agreed upon from the point of compassion that they be allowed to stay on until they were able to fend themselves, trusting that they would leave once they were matured enough.

Days passed by quickly and it is kind of interesting just to stand at the doorway upstairs looking down to observe the many reactions toward the cats. Some passersby were oblivious to their presence, and some who were catching their breath from the two storey climb would take the opportunity to look. A few would take moments to lower themselves and stroke the cat and/or the kitties while the others who are obvious cat lovers, would hold them on their palms staying a little longer to play with them. My comrade took the initiative to purchase cat food to make sure that the feline was able to continue the lactation process for her kittens. On my role, whenever I could, I would get a pack of full cream milk which the feline loved very much.

As the kitties grew very quickly and soon were able to move around, we had to take extra care walking along that limited area, manueuvring our way to make sure not to step on them. Many a times the feline just watched quietly, resting majestically on the stairway, ignoring those who have to cross pass her.

Soon the moments came as expected when the stench of their excrement and urine became unbearable – no one thought beforehand of creating a sandbox for them. Prior to that one kitty died and it took much courage of a beloved friend to send it off. And yet another time another kitty caught the flu and the same kindred spirit brought it to the vet to administer its eyes. Nature seems to find its own way of flow, from unconditional love and motherly instinct.

To avoid the stink I fenced the grille and brought the feline and kitties to the first half landing stairway where many a times later, they managed to find their way back to their former birth place somehow. Many of us struggled within on how to address the cats as they grew bigger by each day. One of us offered to bring the cats to be neutered but there was no follow up. There was also enquiry to adopt part of the kittens but felt heart-wrenching in separating them.

Finally came the day where the earlier same kindred spirit took the initiative to send them all to the animal home. Strangely, the very day when she wanted to send them off, one of the kitty went missing. I felt sorry for it and she promised to come back to look for her another day and to reunite the lost kitty with its mother and siblings. I looked within my mind to why I was feeling so and realized it was not about anything concerning the kitty, nor was it about compassion, but rather the ancient feeling of being separated and the meaning of loneliness. Indeed strange how such feelings are deep-seated, missing the reality of what is within and projected outwardly as a sorry state drama. And to avoid and camouflage that pain I saw how the mind created stories of possibilities where a kind person may probably take the lost kitty home and take care of it well. So insidious is the mind, trying ways to repress those feelings and to finally meet it again another time when similar conditions were to arise again.

There were many lessons from these cats’ presence – from the witness and experience of being kind-hearted, courageous and responsible for living beings which can be said, totally unrelated to ourselves without expecting anything back in return; not to mention the camouflage and false appearances of seemingly good thoughts hiding ancient thoughts of pain and shame if there was no integrity and willingness to looked within the mind the moment it surfaced. How true that it is said that there is no current issues but ancient stuff brought into the present to be re-experienced.

a mother in serious labor pain
the girl talking on the phone, in love
the doctor breaking the news
the guy in gym, dumbbells in hand
a leader pondering the next cause of action
the child enjoying his toys
a sick stricken patient with her pain
a conversation stricken
a moment of triumph
a relationship fallout
a love making experience
or the brink of suicidal
another struggling to survive
and yet in worst scenario
the moment near death

each every occasion
no matter what the storyline
each every moment
no matter what the experience
be it fear,
loving,
confusion
joy
or sadness
yet
there is only one
a celebration of ONE
of the present Now
of how you and I
relate to what is already in our space

the experience, merely a decoy
presented once again
of compromise one has made before
coming back as another chance
of what was once
wrongly chosen
not aligning with the heart
of guilt overwhelming
returning to make good again

and yet each experience so real
making attention focused on it
amnesiac, forgetting
what will really set one free
is not the experience
but the wonderment of relate
for it is here
that compromise is found

freeing it, letting it go
the grip of holding on
one is finally set free.
for what one holds on is holding one back
returning one more time to the game of Life
the cycle of birth and death.