Illusion to Reality

When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.

~ Byron Katie

Whenever I am pissed off, the latest being yesterday, I could see the familiar trail the ego takes to finally culminates itself in upset. It begins with wanting – and it all started from fear. I wanted my wife to stay cool over an event that I knew will blew my top if she reacts – there is an obvious fear here that I do not want history to repeat itself. Funnily, I already knew what is going to come, and I never take the step to be aware of myself, but instead try to fix what is out there. And this has been the same pattern occurring again and again – isn’t that insanity at its greatest height – expecting it to be different? And one of my teacher has a better way of doing it, instead of just being aware – just create what I will like the outcome to be instead of predicting what I am going to experience. I seldom heed his advice and thus I have to relearn again and again the stupidity of ignorance.

And as nature always is, I can’t stop my wife from reacting – and the next moment, before I knew it (or rather I already knew it beforehand), I was upset for the reaction. So my meditation teacher’s advice keeps ringing in my head – we can’t get what we want, what we get is only suffering. Arrgggh…. Then the wakeup call came – it is not because of her reaction that I am upset. It is the similar pattern of pathway that I have experienced over and over again that I am already knowing what is coming my way – irrelevant whether it comes from my wife or anyone else for that matter. What a bitter news!

Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

– A Course In Miracles

And so I was with this upset for the reamining day, “lovingly” being with it – it was far from the truth. I was just kidding myself, as I could see how insidious and poisonous my words are whenever a conversation was held between me and her. It has the wanting of getting even – a revengeful thought, with an obnoxious facial expression, coupled with a deadly statement –  a battle of revenge. How painful the mind was!

Evening came and I was doing a session of meditation. A child, brought along by her mother, was making some little “noise” from the pens she placed on the whiteboard holder, each time she changes a colour. Even that, the upset is directed at the child, and at the mother who brought her along. How horrendous the mind is! So it is exactly what Yeshua said: I am not upset for the reason I think it is. This reminder jolted me out from my delusional anger.

After a day of painful journey, a burning mind, an unresolved internal conflict, the fiery tiger turns into a weary kitten – tired and exhausted from the fight of the ego, from not taking responsibility for the delusion of grasping – a time for peace to enter, to apply what the old masters have taught – forgiveness. Forgiving the world for what they have not done. And there I was, seated  stoically, reclaiming the power I have given out to the world, coming into peace with my own imaginary upset. I sat and sat until the moment I fully come into reconciliation of my own inflicted dis-ease – the so called “noise” that came from the child disappears, as she walks out from the meditation premise – indeed a miracle that comes from choosing from rightmindedness.

Indeed a lesson of love to choose correctly again…

The path to salvation, to liberation, to freedom, is a gradual path. Though there are rare cases of “instant enlightenment” as experienced by contemporary masters, yet upon deeper observation, many of them goes through a long period of depression before they come to awakening. The trigger obviously does not come from depression, as if that is truly the case, many millions of people in the world would have “got it”. It is surprising to know that 1 in every 18 people in US is depressed.

Depression can be a long term journey of darkness. It is a vicious cycle of negative thoughts and emotions, in  many cases, beyond the subjection of the patients. Medically, depression is generally caused by imbalanced of hormones in the body. Could the hormonal imbalanced be the effect of a psychological cause? There is an interesting research being made that reveals that depression is not the cause of negativity but rather it is the negativity of thoughts that brings about depression. In other words, depression is the effect of negativity. Any unchecked long term negative thoughts in our system can be a potential timebomb for depression to arise. Awareness or mindfulness can be an effective prevention for that. Again, I am sure there are many more other causes that we are not aware off that brought about depression. Nevertheless, preventive measure is always encouraged – and to start from where the source is – the mind – can be a very effective tool in curbing the problem.

When I start the journey of meditation, it does not take long for me to recognize that a major part of the mind is negative. It is also interesting to note that during meditation workshops, when we request participants to gauge their level of happiness, from the scale of zero to ten; the highest scale being happiness, many bring their score above five. But by the end of their meditative experience many confide that the mind is indeed negative. That tells how much we really know about the mind. Many participants mentioned that only when they meditate, their mind becomes restless. I would say that the mind is forever restless, always in the wanting to do something that is constantly in the future – meditation brings us into seeing that.

If a major part of our mind is in constantly negativity, are we any different from those who are depressed? Probably the only difference is that we are able to move on from our incessant thoughts. I am sure you will know what is it like to be depressed – when the thoughts replay itself like a broken record, again and again in a never ending drama.

Thus the very first step of training the mind is to see the meaninglessness of thoughts instead of giving it a reality. Not an easy task, but possible. Byron Katie’s The Work is one fine practice that resolves years of negative thoughts. Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, begins the chapter with the title You Are Not Your Mind – indeed a very thought provoking statement. Here, I will like to clear the myth of what meditation is. To many faith, meditation is a no no journey. Even in some culture, particular in chinese, meditation is the doorway to insanity! On the contrary, I would say meditation is the way out of insanity – depending on how we define meditation. For me, meditation is not some kind of static practice, of emptying the mind, or trying to remove thoughts – but rather a way of developing good qualities of the mind that leads to freedom and peace. As my meditation puts it – it is not important to meditate, it is more important to know about what ideas are running in the mind; to be aware of that is meditation in action.

All the best to our life journey of knowing ourselves.

Nothing exists outside the mind. – Dogen

It is your turn now,
you waited, you were patient.
The time has come,
for us to polish you.
We will transform your inner pearl
into a house of fire.
You’re a gold mine.
Did you know that,
hidden in the dirt of the earth?
It is your turn now,
to be placed in fire.
Let us cremate your impurities.

– RUMI