Illusion to Reality

I was working through a qigong session with a master two days ago and while at it, I experienced an impatient mind awaiting an end to the session. This impatient phenomenon is ancient to me whenever I am not enthusiastic with what I am doing – an incessant addictive mind of wanting something new other than what is in the now. In the past, my impatient would have developed into upset which may lead to seeing the person as wrong. Or I would have a self-admonished conversation in my head, beating myself up for being impatient and intolerant. I may even justified myself righteously by all the excuses the mind can think off, except to understand why am I impatient.

But of late, the mind no longer does that old pattern but instead start questioning experiences whenever it arises. Before the inquiry mind can sets in, I have to first acknowledge the impatient in me instead of seeing it as wrong. Only then can I learn to observe and understand the reason behind that impatient. I would have known by now, through past observations, that all experiences are preceded by an idea. I am also aware that the prior idea is also an experience during that moment of its arising – but since I was not aware of it, that idea has transmuted further into what I am experiencing now, the impatient. I begin to see that an unwise idea will always lead to suffering in the end. In the same way a wise idea, always lead to joy and freedom. My present choice of inquiring is setting the present idea right so that when the future arrived in the now, that moment will be a right idea.

Once I am able to observe again and again that ideas are the cause of my experiences, I am now skilled in recognizing and changing those ideas instantaneously. For instance, when I observe impatient has an idea of disinterest, I bring in a new idea that motivates interest, for example, I can inquire what can I learn from each movement rather than doing it just to kill time. But I can only replace ideas when I fully comprehend the working of the mind. If I were to do it without prior understanding I am just covering up what I am not willing to face. There is a difference between positive thinking and changing ideas – the former is a cover up whereas the latter is coming from the direction of wisdom.

Only when I mastered the mind can I start to create. Before that my creation is not truly from a being state but rather a doing state of resistance and holding on to past ideas. It is compounding what is already in existence rather than a true creation that is based on the wisdom of right mindedness, in other words Right Thought.

Awareness leads to acknowledgement
Acknowledgment leads to observation
Observation leads to recognition
Recognition leads to understanding
Understanding leads to realization
Realization leads to freedom
Freedom leads to wise creation.
Wise creation leads to further faith.
And in that faith, keen awareness arises leading to further cycles of wisdom.

The entire journey, beginning with awareness, is a path of gradual awakening. In the onset, this journey  may seems to portray troublesomeness and meaninglessness – robbing me off from my usual day to day experiences by needing to be mindful. In the beginning, the forgetting to be mindful makes me feel irritated. It even makes me give up easily. It is difficult to remember to be in the present moment. I interprete the practice as boring and unexciting. But when the journey is pursued with faith, with interest and inquisitiveness to inquire, the pathway takes a new twist – I see meaningfulness in it instead. Each undoing of meaninglessness of the drama of the world is a meaningful journey of freedom.

I just need to put on the eyes of interest into self-inquiry rather than the old pattern of conforming to what the mind is conditioned. A new way of living will surely dawn upon me, and also you, if you choose to inquire within. That is peace.

Right Confidence leads to Right Effort
Right Effort leads to Right Mindfulness
Right Mindfulness leads to Right One-pointedness
Right One-pointedness leads to Right Understanding*

– Buddha

*Right Understanding leads to further Right Confidence and thus the cycle grows.

There are many areas in my life I have difficulty accepting. I can’t accept myself for not being able to speak mandarin, I can’t accept myself for making mistakes, I can’t accept failing, I can’t accept myself for being impatient, I can’t accept certain characters and attitudes – there may be countless of them each day. Then there are things out there that I can’t accept – I can’t accept delays in appointments, in services, in queues; I can’t accept imperfection in services, I can’t accept dirtiness – numerous of them. The number of unacceptance is reflecting my inability to love and inability for love to come to my life.

If I don’t learn to start accepting myself, how would I expect to love myself? If I don’t see my own warts and shortcomings, how am I able to love myself unconditionally? If I can’t love myself, surely I can’t love others too. To love myself is to accept who I am and who I am not.

First on the list, which is also the last, is to love myself even when I can’t love myself – love the unloving part of me. Then others will follow naturally. I just need to keep reminding myself this. Whenever  I see myself complaining, I look at that complaint lovingly, without identifying and continuing its story. Whenever I felt disapproved, I will lovingly recognize that disapproval – paradoxically when I do that I am already approving myself. One of my teachers recommended me the following technique – whenever I felt disapproved I just need to reverse it by saying I am approved unconditionally – it works! I am not lying to myself, but to see that statement as to mean in an unapproved experience I am approving it unconditionally.

I can’t love myself unconditionally if I don’t stay consciously to my inner callings – the calling for love. All negative expressions are a calling for love. Jealousy, judgments, thwarted desires, upsets, fear, betrayal are all camouflages of my need for love. If I were to listen to the call I would have found love at my front door – but I don’t, simply because I give my attention outward, seeing the world as wrong.

I have been hearing knocks on my inner door but I am afraid to open it. I am too frightened to face what is there for me. I have not known what is beyond the door except to hear the plea of the calling. The only way I knew how to face that knock is to escape via the back door, escaping from the reality of what is. That back door is my metaphor of complaints. The back door is my scapegoat. I will keep returning to that back door whenever I am been threatened. It is only when I take the courage to face the call of the front door knocking that I am starting my journey into accepting love coming into my life. Otherwise love is always out there beyond my reach. Not that I am being deprived from love, but rather I am depriving myself to love. That is the reality.

The back door does not exist. It seemingly gives me a way out, but that way out is actually a cave without an end – I can’t find myself in the darkness unless I turned back towards the entrance where light is awaiting me. There is nothing to run away accept to face and recognize that all the warts are love in disguise.