Illusion to Reality

I can only want something because I thought I have not. When I have the idea I don’t have and my want is not met I will see “what I can’t have” as an attack. Each perceived attack will be retaliated as a defense in my system. In this drama I am frightened by what I have created. If I have a idea that I can possess you, I will try all means to win you over. Each failure produced an idea that you are rejecting me. The more I thought you are rejecting me, the more I will try to reach you out. All this drama is occuring in the mind, created by the mind and got threatened by mind. Like a child having an idea of what is in the dark, will be frightened by the darkness.

Over and over I observed this drama unfolding in the mind – creating an idea and got frightened by it, again creating another idea and got frightened by it, incessantly, unwarily,  playing, unending, unquestioned – until a space is created for observation to take place, for understanding to develop and for freedom to arise, from the tyranny of this insanity.

If I think what I did is wrong, I will feel guilty and shame over it. I will also feel fearful what I have done will be known. Guilt is the present, shame in the past and fear is in the future. They are trio that never departs. If I think what I did is wrong, I will also think that “I should not have done it” as right. Wrong and right are duo that never departs. Is it possible “I should not have done it” arise at that point of my doing or is it just a wishful thinking of the past? If I don’t question this idea, I would have fully bought into my imagination. I would have, like any of my unquestioned seekers, think that I need to feel guilty to amend. The beginning of a wrong idea creates a stream of wrong ideas, strangling me tighter and tighter. One moment of awareness and wise questioning is enough to begin the ending of the stream of delusion.

Is there such a thing as wrong action? Yes and no. Depending whether I am seeing it from the perspective of ego or spirit (ignorant or wisdom). If it is seen from the eyes of ego, the result will be judgment and condemnation, and it binds me deeper into bondage, into distress. From the eyes of wisdom, it sees the cause of the guilt and the unprofitability of repeating it in the future.  Both have different end results. One has fear of doing, the other has understanding of non-doing, seeing it as unnecessary and non-beneficial, instead of right or wrong.

In the eyes of wisdom it is not about the action per se that is right or wrong, but the understanding of the cause and effect of the action that necessitate me to take the right action. I can learn much from the danger of a drunkard murderer than from a restrained person who doesn’t drink. I am not meaning that I need to do wrong for me to understand cause and effect but to see any meaning of wrongness occurring in the mind as opportunities for understanding and wisdom to arise.

Observation is key to understanding a situation. To a scientist, it is the detailed thorough observation that brings about the confirmation of what has been observed. Not once, or twice – but probably umpteen times until the data of each observation tallies with each other.

There are two kinds of observation I have observed in myself – random and keen. Random observation has spaces in between, interrupted by resistance and holding on, wanting and not wanting, with unawareness as its space. When a process is observed randomly, the potential of error is higher. Whereas in keen observation, the tendencies of error is minimize, if not null. Keen observation has the potential of deep understanding.

To observe is not to put any judgment, meaning, opinions or ideas onto it. Observation has the attitude of bearing witness to what is. When I observed I am constantly aware of the intrusion of wanting and not wanting coming into the space. “I” have the tendencies of getting into the way instead of allowing Nature to unfold. I can’t not stop wanting or not wanting except to recognize and acknowledge its presence. By doing so, wanting and not wanting releases me instead of me trying to stop it from arising. In fact, there is no way of me stopping it from arising as I would not know when it will arise until it arise. And what arises cannot be undone as it passed away immediately, replaced by a new arising again. To stop it is futile and delusional. What I can only do is to be present to it, bearing witness without condemning it or fixing it. When I fully accept wanting or not wanting as what is, it releases me instead as I no longer give it the power.

On the same note, wanting or not wanting can be a very important object for me to observe and to understand. It is the block that I need to recognize rather than seeking for the Truth. Realization arises from understanding a situation. Understanding can only come into being when I observe keenly what I need to understand. And for observation to arise, awareness of the present moment is required. In the awareness I am also recognizing constantly that my attitude is not contaminated by wanting and not wanting.