Illusion to Reality

When I like or love someone, what is it that I am liking or loving about that person, to the effect that I want to be closer to that person, or even needing to possess him or her? But, as usual, more often that not, upon longer interaction or relationship with that person, I would come to realize that it is not what I wanted – to be with that person.

I may put up with the relationship a little longer, hoping that things will change – the wait and see syndrome, or I may just leave and move on with life, expecting another new experience to come into my space again in due time. Or, I may, just like many other lovers – engaged, married and settled down to life; begin a new adjustment to what has been bonded.

What is it that makes me move into or away from a relationship? Personality, looks, character, attitude, or what? There are many ideas to that and some are valid, at least for a certain period of time until things change! Now if I were to direct my attention inwards and listen to what I am attracted to instead of listening to what my head wants, I may come to a new frontier of understanding to the reasons of my choices in my relationships.

I came to realize that the form or character of that person has nothing much to do at all with my choices, though my head thinks I am deciding from that angle. I may be taught from media influences or parental/friends advices on what kind of relationship I should incline towards but when it comes to my own journey, in truth, I am no longer in charge, except by what is in me. My choices are much limited and confirmed mainly from whatever ideas that I already have in my system, formed from the many years or even lifetimes of interactions. In fact, there is no choice at all except matching of what is in my database, the mind’s hard disk. I am dancing to the tune of my ideas, to my same lingo, so to speak.

I am drawn to a relationship by what fits into my idea. If I have an idea of abandonment in my life and if a person crosses my path that seems to offer me a sense of belonging, at least for that temporary period of time, I will unconsciously be attracted to it and begin to find ways of bonding that relationship. Sad to say, I find that many a time the mind will manipulate its way through sweet talking, subtly lying, conformity or even giving up one’s integrity for the sake of making that relationship work. And to keep that relationship bonded, I will consistently adjust myself by giving in to the others’ needs – a very exhausting and painful process indeed – just to make sure that my fear of being abandonment will not arise. I am living my dream world and manipulating others to fit into my dream. But how could that be possible as attitude changes all the time? What I perceive in that person is only what I want from them – but in reality that person does not offer me what I want all the time.

Hence when I don’t see that reality, I am creating my doom again. That person may find my presence suffocating as I try ways of making him fit into my need. In reality, no one has rejected or abandoned me. My playing up of fear of being abandoned jeopardizes my own relationship.

It is interesting to observe here that the people I am attracting into my field are seldom for my highest growth except to maintain my status quo. Instead of surrendering to what comes to me, trusting that each every person that crosses my path has something for me to grow out from my box, I choose people that fits into my need and move away from those who push my buttons.

How much then have we grown throughout the years? Or have we even? It is not that destiny or the God in our perception is unfair – everything, yes EVERYTHING, within our own field is our doing, albeit an unconscious movement. We doomed ourselves in many ways. We jeopardize our own growth. When we don’t seek what is within us, we destroy ourselves in long term. When we seek what is within us, what is within us will assist us to find a way out from the narrow confinement of our own created box.

So what is it that we are attracted to in any person we seemingly like? A piece of missing jigsaw that we are seeking to make our storyline perfect – and our jigsaw formation are none other than all our experiences we have of our past – the ideas and views that we conclude from each encounter that conditioned us to look at things in a very specific and peculiar way, many a times not based on wisdom, but rather judgments and ignorant of what is. It is a vicious cycle and when we don’t take moments to inquire why this is happening in our lives, we are led blindly by the nose to another experience that repeats what is in the past. Scary? Indeed.

Be it pleasant or an unpleasant journey, know that my present journey is but a continuation of what I have not undone from the past. I am the creator of my own bondage in a very unconscious way.

Read another synchronized entry from JournalingTruth titled Healing the Abandoned for a better insight.

Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

– A Course In Miracles

Finding your deepest truth means looking within. It means not blaming other people, not playing the victim and not spending time feeling sorry for yourself. When you look more deeply at any situation, you can always see that you set it up for your growth. In any situation you feel you were a victim you always had an inkling of what was going on, and ignored opportunities to change things.

As you look more deeply at things that really bother you, I want to propose a thought: Nothing you are upset about is caused by what you think. For instance, you may be upset that your friend accused you of doing something you didn’t do. Upon deeper examination, you will find that it is a recreation of an earlier pain, played out over and over in changing scenery with different people until you resolve it. It may be a reenactment of a childhood drama in which you were accused of things you didn’t do. Pain, anger, or resentment you feel now almost always comes from a similar childhood experience. You recreate the pain so that you can move beyond it. Next time you feel angry at someone, stop. Close your eyes and go within. See that you have had similar experiences before. Realize that you are reliving some childhood decision and that now is an opportunity to end this pattern in your life and come from your deepest truth. Realize other people are only drawn to play out certain roles with you to help you evolve. Let go of any anger or blame you have towards them.

Sanaya Roman (Channel for Orin), Personal Power through Awareness

I see similarity of denial taught in A Course in Miracle with the Buddha’s teaching on moha, or ignorance. To ignore is to deny what is already in existence and thus creating a whole entire web of delusion of “I”.

What I deny I project

All projections are denial. And all denial results in projection. When I deny something within me, I make an image out of the world by seeing it as separate from me, as against me. For instance, if I don’t acknowledge my inability to be fully responsible for my own choices, and when someone is to suggest an idea that may seems to be in total opposite to what I choose, I am bound to see him as attacking or against me. In another perspective, if someone is unable to accept what is in his or her space, say an illness, that person will see the illness as an enemy to oppose. He/she will seek further evidences to make the illness wrong and by doing so only make matters worse by solving the symptom without working on the source of the dis-ease. In another example, if I see someone as better than me, I am not seeing the comparison as a self-judgment I have made upon myself. I am continuously projecting out into the world what I am denying, by making the world my enemy. In other words when I judge others, irrelevant whether the judgment is a positive or negative comment, I am in truth, judging myself.

Projection makes perception

When I take the projection as reality, not understanding that they are merely pointing to a denial within me, I make this reality into further perception – seeing realness in it. Back to the example of the inability to be steadfast in my own choices – my denial of this fact makes me project in others as attacking my freedom to choose. This in return makes me perceive others as “enemy”, “wrong”, “bad”, “unfair” or towards myself as a “victim”, with a “poor me” mentality. Observe how a beginning of denial creates a snowballing effect of misperceptions which makes us seek further evidences to proof ourselves or others as “right” and “wrong”.

Whenever there is ignorance of things as they truly are, I am subjected to a truckload of self-suffering, not to mention the suffering of others too. Everything begins with me and ends in me. When I don’t see the source of my projection, I fail to see the end of my own mind-made suffering. Indeed painful are repeated lessons until I see the truth of its reality. As a matter of fact, nothing actually occurred in terms of perception except for what is playing out in the mind.

It takes a renewed awakening, the remembering to be aware of the source of all projections that can lead me out of this entanglement. So long as I do not turn my attention inwards to every relationship I have; be it animate or inanimate; I will not be able to recognize the source of my suffering – be it in any forms of attachment or resistance. I am the creator of my own suffering, the cause of suffering, the ending of suffering, and the way leading out of suffering.