My Choice, My Detriment

When I like or love someone, what is it that I am liking or loving about that person, to the effect that I want to be closer to that person, or even needing to possess him or her? But, as usual, more often that not, upon longer interaction or relationship with that person, I would come to realize that it is not what I wanted – to be with that person.

I may put up with the relationship a little longer, hoping that things will change – the wait and see syndrome, or I may just leave and move on with life, expecting another new experience to come into my space again in due time. Or, I may, just like many other lovers – engaged, married and settled down to life; begin a new adjustment to what has been bonded.

What is it that makes me move into or away from a relationship? Personality, looks, character, attitude, or what? There are many ideas to that and some are valid, at least for a certain period of time until things change! Now if I were to direct my attention inwards and listen to what I am attracted to instead of listening to what my head wants, I may come to a new frontier of understanding to the reasons of my choices in my relationships.

I came to realize that the form or character of that person has nothing much to do at all with my choices, though my head thinks I am deciding from that angle. I may be taught from media influences or parental/friends advices on what kind of relationship I should incline towards but when it comes to my own journey, in truth, I am no longer in charge, except by what is in me. My choices are much limited and confirmed mainly from whatever ideas that I already have in my system, formed from the many years or even lifetimes of interactions. In fact, there is no choice at all except matching of what is in my database, the mind’s hard disk. I am dancing to the tune of my ideas, to my same lingo, so to speak.

I am drawn to a relationship by what fits into my idea. If I have an idea of abandonment in my life and if a person crosses my path that seems to offer me a sense of belonging, at least for that temporary period of time, I will unconsciously be attracted to it and begin to find ways of bonding that relationship. Sad to say, I find that many a time the mind will manipulate its way through sweet talking, subtly lying, conformity or even giving up one’s integrity for the sake of making that relationship work. And to keep that relationship bonded, I will consistently adjust myself by giving in to the others’ needs – a very exhausting and painful process indeed – just to make sure that my fear of being abandonment will not arise. I am living my dream world and manipulating others to fit into my dream. But how could that be possible as attitude changes all the time? What I perceive in that person is only what I want from them – but in reality that person does not offer me what I want all the time.

Hence when I don’t see that reality, I am creating my doom again. That person may find my presence suffocating as I try ways of making him fit into my need. In reality, no one has rejected or abandoned me. My playing up of fear of being abandoned jeopardizes my own relationship.

It is interesting to observe here that the people I am attracting into my field are seldom for my highest growth except to maintain my status quo. Instead of surrendering to what comes to me, trusting that each every person that crosses my path has something for me to grow out from my box, I choose people that fits into my need and move away from those who push my buttons.

How much then have we grown throughout the years? Or have we even? It is not that destiny or the God in our perception is unfair – everything, yes EVERYTHING, within our own field is our doing, albeit an unconscious movement. We doomed ourselves in many ways. We jeopardize our own growth. When we don’t seek what is within us, we destroy ourselves in long term. When we seek what is within us, what is within us will assist us to find a way out from the narrow confinement of our own created box.

So what is it that we are attracted to in any person we seemingly like? A piece of missing jigsaw that we are seeking to make our storyline perfect – and our jigsaw formation are none other than all our experiences we have of our past – the ideas and views that we conclude from each encounter that conditioned us to look at things in a very specific and peculiar way, many a times not based on wisdom, but rather judgments and ignorant of what is. It is a vicious cycle and when we don’t take moments to inquire why this is happening in our lives, we are led blindly by the nose to another experience that repeats what is in the past. Scary? Indeed.

Be it pleasant or an unpleasant journey, know that my present journey is but a continuation of what I have not undone from the past. I am the creator of my own bondage in a very unconscious way.

Read another synchronized entry from JournalingTruth titled Healing the Abandoned for a better insight.

Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

– A Course In Miracles

2 Replies to “My Choice, My Detriment”

  1. Thank you for sharing.

    I guess we will all have to consciously take responsibilty for our actions instead of finger pointing.

    I believe that every person that comes into my life (whether they leave or not) is put in my life for a reason and that there is a lesson from them or; from the experience whilst they are here and when the time is up….they leave! It is up to us to see the lesson they were here in the first place to impart to us instead of feeling abandoned.

    Nevertheless, I will honestly tell you that it is easier said than done but I am trying. :D

  2. Through my level of realization at this point, abandonment has much to do with specialness I give to the world. What I invested out is what I get in returned. My returns are in consistency with my investments – not more or less. What I held on tightly, I have to release with difficulty and what I don’t hold on – there is not even the question of release. It cannot be otherwise due to the duality of nature, of opposites. Thanks for reading!

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