Simply Inadequate in Expression

Our experiences are unique, due to the perception we have upon it. And our perception has much to do with the way our ideas look at it. It cannot be said as right or wrong as it has no such meaning except how we define it aftersight. Whichever way we see it we can never get out of the way we already see unless and until we are given that space to look at it differently again. And that cannot be my business as I cannot choose to see it otherwise until wisdom comes into picture. Until then I am contented with the way I look at it, except with deeper inquiry to each time when I am seeing it in the already way. I can post myself questions like – is there another way of looking at it? It is through questioning, insight comes into picture allowing the mind to get out of the already way of looking at things.

Similarly the words I use may differ from the words you use to convey a message. My perception of how I understand those words differs from the way you were taught.  Until I see this truth I will not understand why such words are used by you upon me or me upon you. I am living in my own bubble, in my own meaning and each meaning dictates the way I perceive the world. If my love has deep meaning of betrayal in it, as from a past experience of hurt, when you express ‘I love you’ to me, I’d distrust your statement as I don’t see love at all except betrayal. And your meaning of hate and my meaning of hate differs too. And that includes, the meaning of money, integrity, responsibility, and dare I say, every word in the dictionary.

We can only come close to understand words similarly but not the same. The only closest to heart I can give on sameness is when someone expresses what is in his or her heart and I just simply know what they are trying to mean though the words they speak may differ. And I can’t get this effect if I was listening to them from the head level, or rather from my intellectualization of what they are trying to say.

Words are limiting and language a barrier to deep communication. Yet without conversation, nothing can be conveyed unless every one of us works on telepathic transmission. Until then we can merely be contented with words as a mean of communication.

I can’t help but to wonder how words influence everyone, though by itself it has no meaning except what we are trying to convey in essence. I can be motivated by wisdom or ignorance and the words I use can surely be felt by you, at your deepest level. But yet words itself can be detrimental, for instance the meaning of “race”. We use race to denote different grouping of people and yet it is the word that is the cause of our humanity worries – to race is to mean compete and that is what we as each race is doing, competing unhealthily  amongst each other, seeing wrongness more than goodness as a human.

How best can we communicate? No wisdom, no talk.

Abandonment Exposed

I was given an opportunity last week to work with someone who was experiencing mental despair over a perceived issue of abandonment. Throughout my spiritual  journey in getting to understand this frequently arising mental state, including having many direct experiences with it, I came to realize that many of our emotions have much abandonment meaning related to it; for example, betrayal, jealousy, favouritism, power struggle, hate, and even love. Yes, love itself, strictly speaking, is not love per se, but a clinging on, has elements of abandonment as its cause. To heal abandonment on each occasion as it arises, attention has to be directed towards where the state is, which is in the mind of the experiencer, instead of what is outside there that is seemingly causing one to feel abandoned.

When one wakes up from the tyranny of abandonment, which is a form of defilement, or ego, one is quick to recognize that the meaning of abandonment can only occur as a result of one’s own holding on to an idea that there is a payoff-return from a specific perceived relationship. When one is motivated by personal agenda, albeit an unconscious need, from a specific relationship in whatever form, any opposing resultant that intercepts that motivation will by default, arise the meaning of abandonment. Considering that when we are ignorantly conscious of getting something out of a relationship, such meaning could never arise if we were to fail as we are fully aware of our motivation towards the relationship. In short, not recognizing the motivation of a personal agenda hidden behind our needing for a relationship is the cause of our suffering from a perceived meaning of abandonment.

In reality, nothing can abandon us, unless there is an unconscious hidden agenda of “what’s in for me” motivation in any tie. When one starts a relationship having that in mind, without oneself even knowing about it due to ignorance, one has set himself up into the trap of abandonment, awaiting its time to unfold. Such is the folly of ignorance due to the nature of delusion that clouds the mind from seeing the truth.

To give an example of a love relationship. When I love you, I am to mean that I have invested myself fully in you. Anything that is invested has ulterior motive of return of any form, again albeit an unconscious motive. I would have invested my time, effort, money, kinds, or even any special meaning I cherish, not to mention emotions, to draw you into my fold – all with meanings of specialness in it. Obviously such investment has one’s own high expectation of returns on it as he has risked, so to speak, his entire egoic savings on it. One could already imagine what will be the end result when what is perceived to be received is reciprocated otherwise. From this aspect, it is obvious how when we give away something we cherish, without truly relinquishing it, we are prone to issue of abandonment as there is an expectation from holding on to what has been given out. This includes mentality of giving myself, specially, to someone. Where there is special love, there is in return, special hate when situation goes wary, except all the time.

What is it we desire from a relationship? Speaking from my own realized experience, underneath the surface of a desired relationship is the unquestioned meaning of insecurity, loneliness, and separation that motivates me to look for one. Instead of addressing directly what is already in me, I ignorantly choose to cover it up by seeking something or someone outside there to heal my issue, which obviously is an insane decision, for as so long the root issue is not properly dealt with, any act itself only perpetuates the root. All forms of relationship which includes possession of house, money, career, property or even demands, have many a times, the above mentioned woes. It may surprise you if I were to include the need to help others, which is sometimes referred to as selflessness. Behind the facade of selflessness has a selfish motivation of feeding our own ego, be it from the space of superiority or inferiority and rarely equality. So long as I do not have the wisdom to recognize my motivation – not the superficial surface motivation that we usually act upon, but something deeper that can only be accessed through self inquiry and self honesty – all actions are deemed ignorant, to feed the ego and to proliferate defilements.

Welcome to awakening from the long overdue slumber of ignorance.

Prayer of Release from Bondage

Experience is of me
not, for me
or to me

As I consciously
take full response to this truth
I seek that
what I am not seeing
be brought to Light

That all my perceived pain
I am aware off at anytime
is from
my unconscious guilt,
and not caused by anyone else.

As I accept fully this truth
may I seek to be
released hereof
as I surrender
entirely to Thee*
allowing wisdom to arrive
at my doorstep through
understanding and realization.

I trust that
I am the heir of my own experience
no one except myself
is worthy of that release
only when I am ready and willing
to take the step
of Truth,
relinquishing
what I held on
in ignorance.

I welcome
Truth to flow in my life easily
one more time.

Appreciating my prayer.

*whichever one feels compel to trust, which may include, Void, Tao, Om or any symbolic Being.

What’s in Priority?

Of late the thought of shifting out from the current dwelling came to mind. Indeed it is not just a recent thought but a hovering one in the mind for at least the last five years; only that it was not been given priority. The main reason for the planned move was due to the newly constructed high-tension structure built beside the old one that is close to my dwelling vicinity.

But what is apparent in the decision is this thing called priority.  And it came to my realization that we, as human species, live unconsciously dictated by priorities throughout our lives. What I am enthusiastic and give attention now is from my inner meaning of priority. And it dawned upon me how we prioritize even the meaning of being rich – it is illusionary. I am rich, if my priority is about making more and more money, provided I am able to accumulate it. But the meaning of rich is directly connected to money, at least to many people. But is there truly richness except accumulation that is derived from priority? What about those whose priority is about accumulating assets, which in reality has no physical cash?

I recently got an i-Mac for my working environment and interestingly a friend commented that I was rich enough to purchase it. In my space I did not see myself as being rich, except in the position of prioritizing one thing over something else. Probably for her, the priority would be investing in health, facial improvement or something that is connected to her needs and the expression of financial appreciation may double the price of my i-Mac purchase, at least in the long run. For some, their priority would be working towards having a high end camera, a dream house, or a holiday etc; but does that mean that they are rich, or simply a movement initiated and dictated by priority?

What is priority then, except a meaning the mind gives to a certain specific idea? The world is like a huge playing field, each and everyone playing their own game according to each of their priority and in their own space, they see themselves more special than the other. But is there truly specialness, within the confinement of the unseen walls on earth? Or are there merely experiences that I give meaning to that are only truly heir in my space? Because of not seeing this reality, I make the world a reality to latch on, making me more special than the other, even if it comes from the state of suffering – why is this happening to me and not others?

If my priority is about having good relationship, I will go all out in making my relationship perfect, even to the extent of fearing my relationship being jeopardized and hence scheme ways and approaches to make it perfect and secure.

If my priority is about accumulating money, I will go all out to save, as much as I could, creating the need in me to think twice whether what I spent is necessary. Anything that is unnecessary is considered wastage in my space, not excluding others who would do the same. In short, all meanings are merely my reality, not out there.

If my priority is having a good shelter over my head, I will see others as wrong when their priority of the same amount of money needed to buy a house is being used for something else, say, having a lavish marriage ceremonial for their children. Doesn’t that happen to our mind all the time? To know that a car can cost a million make us ponder how with that money we can buy a comfortable home at our standard, instead of spending unnecessarily on a car. And if I am an animal lover, I would complain that the money can be put into good use such as creating a shelter home for them. But what is reality except priority running in our head?

What about priority in personal health, personal luxury, career, expensive dining, yearly holidays and at its opposite end, priority in spirituality like contentment, meditation, peace, selflessness, etc? Aren’t they all the same, except one standing on the other side of each other, in the confinement of earth? Is there any loftier act than another? Yes and no. Depending on where and what the mind is directed. There can be spiritual ego or worldly spirituality – whichever side you are on. That makes a whole lot of difference. It is not about the world, but the mind.

Resolution of Peace

Wise Questioning

The mind is constantly experiencing things the way it already always experiences. Seldom does one get out from that already always state unless being challenged to do so. Even that, to come out from that box takes much coaxing and resistance. Is it the nature of the mind to stay status quo or that we have not been trained and encouraged to question and investigate life, and hence when being presented with situations, the only way out is to apply the already always method, either by complaining, blaming, resisting or fixing it?

Consider the minds of great teachers and masters. Are they simply different in the sense that they are special and given some extraordinary ability or vision to discern the Truth? Who gives? Or did they arrive at their own true space after much wise discernment through trials and errors of practice, without ignoring the fact that they too have somewhere at the beginning of the journey, been provoked to question themselves regarding life and its meaning? Look at the classic case of the Buddha. It was through questioning life that made him embark on the journey of the recluse and many years of further determined inquiries that finally led him to Truth.  He questioned the many teachers of that time, not out of disobedient, but simply out of the thirst for truth which he knew he has not arrived at although well-known teachers of that time confirmed that he was already “there”. He questioned his own austerity practise when he was close to death’s door. He questioned conformity, which I would say was seen as a rebel of that time.

He inquired about the reason for the need to die and to be born. It perplexed him why people have to fall sick and get old. For mundane people like us such questions are irrelevant and even strange, simply because we take life for granted.

Look at another statement made by Yeshua – all are given but few choose to listen. We are all given the gift of coming into the Truth, but seldom do we take the step in seeking. And to seek is to mean to inquire – inquiring what is here more than just life. What is here more than just experience? What are experiences?

We have always been taught that we learn through crises and problems and we know for many an experience that seems to be true – growth only follows upon pain. Is it necessary to necessitate pain to learn and to grow? For me it is not the pain per se that invokes understanding but rather the questioning mind and the subsequent looking for the solution that brings about growth. Without questioning, seeking is impossible. Whenever we are faced with a task that takes a new way of resolving something, the first thing that always comes to mind is what is the best way of doing it – it starts with wise questioning. Even when we are faced with a stuck situation, to get out from it needs questioning.

Do we see that it is the questioning that invokes the mind to search for a solution? The Buddha too did the same – questioning life. In normal cases, we only question when there is a problem but seldom do so when things are in well condition – and the normal reply is why the need to disrupt the happiness that is already happening? In fact, we have no reason to question when life is good, when the mind is happy, when desire is intact. But what is really happiness? Is there truly happiness or simply attachment to feelings of pleasantness, which is to mean there is continuous avoidance of unpleasantness? Not that we are inviting sadism, but rather to acknowledge that life is an addictive process of needing to feel good, unconsciously chasing for that medieval feeling, so illusive and brief, just to feed that addiction which many seldom question; and in that process, hoard and manipulate situations, events and relationships just to have that.

Is that what life is all about – to be born, live and die in vain, to feel good? Or is there something deeper and profound to life that we are not questioning? The cue is in inquiring. Not simply any kind questioning or inquiring, but wise questioning – wise inquiry that is profitable to our well being, and also of others. But be forewarned, as the path is pretty uncomfortable, as each questioning lead us to seek inwards and that inevitably puts us in a position where we’d have to face our ancient pain and discomfort where we had all the while passed the bucket of responsibility to others when we were not willing face it ourselves. It is time to come home to ourselves, only when we start inquiring. Not once, not twice, not many but all the time until the Truth has finally arrived.

Until then, never be tricked by the mind to conclude that we are already “there” – until being tested again and again by situations, events or even, relationships – when we are no longer affected with pain or discomfort, but simply consistent in compassion and love in our perception. Let not our Truth be confirmed by others but rather through our own conviction and deep realization that we have finally arrived “home”. It is a personalized journey. Until then, every trigger is our gift for us to seek another inquiry, confirming in us that work is still in progress.

An Invitation for Self-inquiry

It dawned upon me lately one important clue why my wise meditation teacher seldom gives direct answer or statement whenever I post him a question. Instead, he will counter me with another question, allowing me to ponder and inquire deeply. What he does is to make me investigate, instead of simply accepting any statement as true or false, and comes into my own realization and understanding of what I allow myself to recognize.

There is an important dynamics occurring in this space. He knows how important for each individual to realize for themselves, instead of being spoon-fed with answers. And for realization to arise, investigative nature has to come into picture. And for investigative nature to happen, the mind has to inquire, hence his counter questioning. In the past most of my teachers keep mum over my questions and some even go to the extent of discouraging me from asking. On hindsight, I wonder how wisdom could arise when there is no skillful way of encouraging a student to grow except to believe without questioning what higher authority has to say, or worst, keeping mum over it.

My years as student, and also a teacher to some, showed me directly how their growth has much to do with how I interact with them. There are times I tell them what is in their space, without giving them opportunity to ponder. And I observed that my direct statement to anyone, be it a person who seek counseling, or a friend who needed clarity over her issue, not only reinforces what is already in her already-state of uselessness or usefulness, as in inferior or superior, but also disallows her to move out from that state. In short, my “telling” confirms in her, her own old belief patterns, or in worst scenario, using those direct statements I have said as a tool against me for what had happened.

How can this be so? Is there anything “wrong” in being direct? When I “tell”, I am disallowing the wisdom in them to inquire and thus make a conclusion for themselves. Worst, if their faith in me is blind, what I say becomes their gospel truth. For me, each “telling” or being direct, is indicating something deeper in me that I am not seeing. I can be telling from a brutal honest space, which does not help you at all, but only invoke pain. But more importantly is why do I need to be brutal? Is there something amiss in me I am missing? Could it be that I am being irritated by you that I need to attack? My teacher would have shown me that ignorance can be honest, not to mention wisdom. He would have me recognize that the key is not in honesty, as it can be fabricated. What is more important is my attitude to each moment, in short my motivation. I can be lovingly honest, giving many options for you to ponder as to allow you to arrive at your own understanding. Or I can be brutally honest, paving way to my own error and also in you.

When I tell you, instead of the wiser way of assisting you to inquire, I am already concluding a situation which is never profitable to your hearing, whether it is something pleasant or unpleasant, as that only makes you think who you are. And if you are wise, you will question my statement, which may pave way for me to look within and inquire too. But if you do question, you too can make sure that the question you post is in support of another’s journey and not a subtle statement of attack for your own fulfillment, but a genuine inquiry to understand further.

That is the whole dynamic of being conscious and bringing conscious awareness to another and when I am unconscious I am only cementing unconscious state not just in me, but also in others.