Containing my Experience

I seldom contain my experience, as to allow its dance to end in the here and now. I proliferate it by furthering its feeling. If it is a pleasant feeling, I further it by my unconscious manipulation, finding ways to make that feeling come to me again. If it is an unpleasant feeling, I try to remove it by my unconscious manipulation, pushing it back to the abyss of my mind again. And amazingly there are countless ways the mind can do to salvage that. But I will know, so long as I am not ready to contain each experience into the moment, the journey of proliferation of the ego or defilement has already begun. The now is the doorway for the vicious spreading of the ego.

If subtle hurt arises in my space as an experience and I do not contain it in this little cubicle call “now”, the next moment will see the mind finding ways to justify it, glorifying the hurt in ways I could never imagine, making me more righteous. In truth, the hurt is not as important as my attitude towards it. But who on earth likes to face his or her hurt except to quickly extinguish it with whatever meanings that can come up at that time. And the mind can be pretty cunning and sly. Though there may be times I am ready to face my hurt, behind the facade are storylines of being betrayed, seeking opinions and even manipulative scheming. As much as I would like to face the hurt, all these meanings take over precedent, making the experience becomes the now. So the journey of facing it is not something that is static where hurt is just the issue, but the continuous stuff that comes along with it, which has to be dealt with instantaneously, leaving no room for complacency, else at any one moment where there is unawareness, proliferation of the ego has begun, leading the way of our action, that may not just be detrimental to us, but also those close to us.

To contain each experience is to make the experience personal, not that it belongs to me, but rather only I can deal with it, not anyone else, not even those who can give me perfect insight into it. From my own journey, I came to realized that only a good spiritual friend can show me ways on how to deal with it with an open answer, inviting me to inquire, rather than giving me a close answer that makes me justify what I am already in, making my old ideas rooted deeper.

A statement from the world may mean anything, something or even nothing to me. But if a meaning was to arise in me, triggering a specific feeling in the now, I can be sure it is an old idea running in the system that needs inquiry – be it a pleasant, unpleasant or even neutral feeling. For the game of Freedom is not about feeling all these feelings, but rather to recognize that the feelings are what we are chasing after and to end these incessant addiction is to inquire at that precise moment what comes up from our attitude towards those feelings. It is a doorway to our way Home.

Positioning of my Experience

Whenever I am in experience, which is occurring all the time, where would I place my experience? Close to me, on the other end of my relationship or in-between? The position of the experience tells me my own integrity and responsibility I take upon myself. When I am upset, I observe that my experience is either far on the opposite side, or middle, and rarely close to me. I seldom realize that the experience is actually me, but instead want someone to take responsibility of it and thus project it upon them. In other words, I viewed that the person who is relating to me is the cause of my upset, hence placing that upset experience close to him, making him responsible for my pain.

And when I become more conscious of such act, I play the in-between game, making both of us responsible for the pain. I give the meaning that it takes two palms to clap and thus it cannot be me alone that is causing the pain but because of him or her that initiated that pain in me. Doing so makes me experience half of what I am feeling and wanting the other too to be in pain. And if I don’t get to see what I am wanting to experience, I will scheme my way through to make the other suffer by either continuing the argument, blowing it up or if I failed, I will start a cold war with the other.

And when I find that I have made even with the other, I’d call it a truce and come to peace with my pain. But rarely did I get out from that guilt. It is just a matter of time I see the other doing that to me again. It is a constantly painful journey of attack and defence, repeating itself anciently over and over again – so obvious that it can be anticipated what is coming up next in my space and what I am going to do, in revenge, with addiction and not able to get out of it.

And when I finally see the pain of this unbreakable chain, I willingly come fully to my own integrity and see what is the cause of this matter. Could it be that I am missing the mark of each experience? Could it be that I am not seeing that the experience is actually me rather than to me or for me?

For that I have to turn the radar of attention inward instead of outward each time I am being praised, admonished, disapproved, blamed, whatever. There is something that I am not seeing other than what I thought is coming from “out there” other than me. Each experience is indicating a truth about me, except that I do not see further than that. I do not see what ideas run behind my experience. I do not see how my feelings have much to do with my perception. I also do not see how my perception has much to do with what I have judged or concluded in the past. There is an unquestioned history to all my experiences and to be awake is to undo all the history that blocks me from peace, from total freedom in each experience.

Back into Nature

Come back to nature
when the heart is weary
when pain is not resolved
when solution seems unseen

Come back to nature
when expectation is unmet
when need is unfulfilled
and desire seems to pound

Come back to who we are
come back to what is
come back to any experiences
that we had projected outwardly

For everything is nature
unfolding itself
exactly as it is
of conditions met
having results as its end

How then can I say I want it another way?
how can there be a should
when conditions are not met
that resulted other than what I want.

I missed the mark when I react to result
forgetting that it is the cause that make it so
for cause and effect, a set of completion
is nature taking its own course.

Hence to come to my own peace
let me be wise to observe its correlations
and to work on its cause
so that its effect is what I am
and not the other way round.

In that process
I am nature
working with nature
undoing the world
making peace and freedom as my objective.

Making Relationship a Pathway to Freedom

When I am in the process of awakening to myself, in short, taking on the spiritual path, every relationship that comes my way becomes a spiritual relationship. The difference between a normal relationship of what I experience in the past, and a spiritual relationship of which I experience now is that the former was unconscious, and the latter, conscious. Spiritual relationship constantly brings me to face myself, eventhough it seems there is someone out there that I need to face. Ultimately, both of it is actually one – me with myself.

In relationship, I am constantly being tossed left and right, to and fro, or up and down, like a ship on a rough sea. And my work is to make sure that I am not drowned by it. But most of the time it is not a pleasant ride, as “to relate” as in a relationship, is to mean relating my idea with another coming up my way. Rarely my idea is in synchronicity with the world, as the world itself too is not in sync. What I am to mean is that majority of the time, we come from the space of ego, or ignorance, rather than from wisdom, or spirit. There is always intrusion into what is natural, of wanting to get in the way, or pushing and rushing in. Impatience and eagerness make us scheme and manipulate what is flowing, having its own natural course interrupted, hence creating discordance and disharmony.

I am constantly over-extending or under-extending myself in a relationship. It is more obvious when a new relationship comes into the picture compared to one that is already deeply ingrained in guilt. I catch myself many a time where there is a tendency of manipulating my speech to escape my own pain or to make the other small so as to entice them into my own need. For one who is not conscious of how the mind works, he or she may not be aware that the result of a loving state can arise from manipulation. In reality the loving state we constantly experience is conditional and not unconditional, and as such it is pretty obvious that it has attachment to it, deriving from satisfaction of certain causes that each has the same root mentality of “what’s in for me”. With that in mind, scheming is already at play, probably so deeply rooted in us that we are not conscious at all about its presence in our thought, speech or action and thus thought we are holy in a loving state.

Many will attest that when we become spiritual, we start to find how evil or crooked our intentions can be. As the saying goes the road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is a certain level of truth to that statement as the good intention we think it is, is actually frequently tainted with ill-intent. Look at most of the good deeds we do – seldom is it from the space of unconditional love, but what’s in for me.

It is a calling for vigilance in spiritual relationship so that the wholesome purpose of mental purification does not fall back into its old pattern of co-dependency of deception. It is so easy to fall and difficult to be awakened to that pattern. And it takes another conscious spirit to spar to awaken another to this journey. In fact, when both are intended towards spirituality, acceleration of the path is unavoidable. But be forewarned, it is a journey of discomfort in the beginning and joy and freedom in the end, constantly in process as and when relationship of ideas comes into picture. That’s the bane and boon of spiritual relationship.

Temporary Home – Carrie Underwood

Little boy, 6 years old
A little too used to bein’ alone
Another new mom and dad,another school
Another house that’ll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place
He looks up and says with a smile upon his face

“This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home.”

Young mom on her own
She needs a little help got nowhere to go
She’s lookin’ for a job, lookin’ for a way out
Because a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl
Someday we’ll find a place here in this world

“This is our temporary home
It’s not where we belong
Windows and rooms that we’re passin’ through
This is just a stop, on the way to where we’re going
I’m not afraid because I know this is our
Temporary Home.

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers don’t cry for me
I’ll see you all someday
He looks up and says “I can see God’s face”

“This is my temporary Home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home.”

This is our temporary home

Exhausting Need

The mind is in constant need – need to feel good, need to be understood, need to be loved, need to be approved, and need to be needed as to escape from the experience of loneliness.

And it is exhaustingly stressful when I don’t investigate these unquestioned thoughts as and when they pop up in my space as I become a slave to them trying to fulfill their needs. I seldom see it as the condition of the mind replaying itself, and subscribing it as mine instead.

It is an addiction, albeit a subtle one as I took it for granted that it is part and parcel of survival. I may not even see it as addiction but simply a need! “Is it necessary?” is the first question that I am invited to investigate if I wish to address it at the core level.

Is it necessary for me to feel good? Is there anything wrong when I am not feeling good? But isn’t feeling good or lousy part and parcel of my experience? Am I not seeing that? What I am doing is seeing them not as part and parcel of the nature of the mind but choosing the good and omitting the lousy instead. But can I omit anything that is already occurring in the mind except to fabricate something else to hide it? Am I making a fool out of myself? Am I not seeing that what is already here cannot be hidden or pushed away except to acknowledge its existence?

It will leave as and when its dance is complete and it has little or nothing to do with me. For what I am experiencing are merely effects of causes that I am not aware of and for that it keeps coming back to be re-experienced within my vicinity. So long as the cause is not addressed, its effect will play itself out. Needs are merely effects of causes I did not, or rather have yet to come to question.

Similarly, why the desire to be understood? Is it because I do not understand myself well enough that I pass on that responsibility to someone else to understand me? Sounds ridiculous and absurd, but this is what it is – insanity at its greatest height when I don’t question or inquire about my needs.

And what about needing to be loved? Could it be that my misperceptions camouflage love presence hence I have to seek it out there in the world? But does each love I seek make me feel fulfilled or does it make me feel inadequate that I need to seek further? Where is love, where is love, when I am in constant gratification of fulfilling my desire to be loved?  Why have I been living a life so unconsciously that such sane questioning does not cross my mind in its place of using those moments to simply fulfill the needs? And to do that I have to manipulate, scheme, and lie just to have that little need fulfilled.

Is there a better way of living? By facing what is in front of me with true acceptance without any purpose of resolving it except to come into understanding the true nature of the mind. And by doing so the mind disentangles me instead of I trying to disentangle the mind.

Love without Misperception

Love is found
not in misperception
but in right perception
for so long
as I see you in concept
of who I think you are
I am seeing my own judgment
about you
not loving you but using you
for my unconscious need

For all judgments are merely projections
of what I am not addressing
within myself.

There is no love
except what’s in it for me
there is no caring
except being a rescuer
there is no support
except a persecutor
seeing you a victim instead of love

For that I have
to do inner work
searching and seeking
what I am not facing
and in that space
I am led to understand
what is really in me
that disallow
love to flow through me.

For love has never left
except misperception clouding it
and in that ignorance
there is no true love
except fabrication
of what love is
manifesting itself as a
rescuer
persecutor
or
victim.

All merely a misperception.