Not seeing where I am supposed to see

A drunkard loses the keys to his house and is looking for them under a lamppost. A policeman comes over and asks what he’s looking for. “I’m looking for my keys” he says. “I lost them over there”. The policeman looks puzzled. “Then why are you looking for them all the way over here?” “Because the light is so much brighter here”.

What has my upset got to do with anybody else in the world? I may be cheated, betrayed, scolded, hurt or anything, for that matter. The pain I am experiencing is my pain (even this is untrue) and no one can rob it off from me. I can’t even do anything to my pain, what more of others? What I can only do is either to be with it, to understand it, or to hide it under the veil: through changing my attitude or pushing it away (could I?).

I can’t be cheated unless I give a meaning to myself that someone has cheated me. I can’t be betrayed unless I give away my trust to someone else. I can’t be scolded unless I do not accept what is and expect a different answer. Everything has got to do with me, 100%. The world, an effect, is what I am experiencing and not to accept effects and expect effects to be changed to fit my needs is not just delusional, but also insane.

All my suffering comes from the idea that I can change what has already occur – is it possible? Isn’t that a common sense or rather sense that is not common after all? With the speed of  life I am living, and with little room for inquiry except result oriented, it is of no wonder the mind no longer thinks. The more advance technology is, the more stupid I become. Even a simple arithmetic needs a calculator in hand.

I do not see anybody except my past about them. I do not know anybody except my ideas about them. I do not even know myself, how then could I know anyone else? I can’t even understand myself, how can I expect someone to understand me? When I said “You are making me angry” – I am actually meaning “Thank you for making me angry.” For without you how can I realized there is pain in me that is awaiting to be awaken? And that pain has nothing to do with you as it is all too familiar to me, something ancient. Have I experienced anything so new that I questioned myself, eh, what feeling is that? If it is familiar, then it is in me, not you.

If I say with a tone of upset that “I can’t understand you” – that is true as how can I ever, ever, understand anyone until and unless I understand myself? Even that is impossible. What capacity do I have to understand something that is so complex and baffling – the mind? Understanding myself can take a lifetime or more and to understand anyone for that matter is just a waste of time.

I am the source of my own feelings and thoughts and you are your own source of feelings and thoughts. We have never met though we meet. We have never talked though we talk. We have never connected with each other though I think I did. The closest meeting or intimacy I ever had is my own ideas and feelings. Am I seeking at the right place?

I am alone – that is a fact, but not the truth.

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