What’s in for Me?

Everything I do, I do it for myself. I do it with the motive “what’s in for me” – irrelevant whether I am aware or unaware. “I like you” because your character suits me. “I don’t like you” because your attitude does not fit into me. Both has what’s-in-for-me, except the latter is removed from my space as to allow vacancy for another. And I keep seeking and seeking as to expand my space to keep me safe. I never know myself except what’s-in-for-me, next! The more I fill up my vacancies, the further I become – I lost myself in it. I have never questioned what what’s-in-for-me is, except to follow its order.

Another one comes my way…. I am selfish, so I have to learn to be selfless. Yes, to be selfish is what’s-in-for-me, to be selfless is also what’s-in-for-me! Anything I want to be I am already entertaining what’s-in-for-me. I can’t be selfish without being selfless, neither can I be selfless without being selfish. For both are just opposite of the same coin. When I am selfless, I am selfish to myself. When I am selfish to others, I am selfless to myself. Ego can’t get me wrong.

Oops! What about doing good? Surely there’s no what’s-in-for-me. I do good for what? To make someone happy? Isn’t that a what’s-in-for-me too – to make someone happy? What if that person is not happy with my gift? Probably I will not entertain him or her anymore as it does not fit into my what’s-in-for-me needs – I am opening up for vacancies… What about me continuing giving, irrelevant whether he or she appreciate my giving – I will give, and still give until it hurts. Isn’t that too, what’s-in-for-me? For I want to overcome my resistance of giving? I am not giving for anybody’s sake – but to fulfil my inner needs.

So what purpose is this what’s-in-for-me? Diving down into the abyss, I saw the needs to feel good – I am in constant hunger of wanting to feel good, rejecting all other opposite feelings. It is of no wonder I abhor pain and all discomforts. Ironically isn’t that is what in me that propels me to seek good feelings? If I am already where I am, why do I need to keep seeking further? I am in dis-ease, in suffering, trying to extinguish this unbearable feeling by seeking good feelings, ignorantly expecting to relieve myself from that discomfort. I am liken a person drinking salt water to quench the thirst only to keep it increasing.

I will do anything so long as it makes me feel good, feel worthy, fulfilling my need for approval. I will do it with a sense of what’s-in-for-me as that is what “I am”. I am is what I am – so long I am not awaken from this satire need for wanting. And when I am fully awaken to this addictive pattern I am what I am takes on a new meaning. I can be sure what I do is no longer for my own but for the highest good of many.

Truth are but lessons that  you failed to learn presented once again,
so where you made a faulty choice before
you now can make a better one,
and thus escape all pain that what you chose before
has brought to you.

– A Course in Miracles

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