Containing my Experience

I seldom contain my experience, as to allow its dance to end in the here and now. I proliferate it by furthering its feeling. If it is a pleasant feeling, I further it by my unconscious manipulation, finding ways to make that feeling come to me again. If it is an unpleasant feeling, I try to remove it by my unconscious manipulation, pushing it back to the abyss of my mind again. And amazingly there are countless ways the mind can do to salvage that. But I will know, so long as I am not ready to contain each experience into the moment, the journey of proliferation of the ego or defilement has already begun. The now is the doorway for the vicious spreading of the ego.

If subtle hurt arises in my space as an experience and I do not contain it in this little cubicle call “now”, the next moment will see the mind finding ways to justify it, glorifying the hurt in ways I could never imagine, making me more righteous. In truth, the hurt is not as important as my attitude towards it. But who on earth likes to face his or her hurt except to quickly extinguish it with whatever meanings that can come up at that time. And the mind can be pretty cunning and sly. Though there may be times I am ready to face my hurt, behind the facade are storylines of being betrayed, seeking opinions and even manipulative scheming. As much as I would like to face the hurt, all these meanings take over precedent, making the experience becomes the now. So the journey of facing it is not something that is static where hurt is just the issue, but the continuous stuff that comes along with it, which has to be dealt with instantaneously, leaving no room for complacency, else at any one moment where there is unawareness, proliferation of the ego has begun, leading the way of our action, that may not just be detrimental to us, but also those close to us.

To contain each experience is to make the experience personal, not that it belongs to me, but rather only I can deal with it, not anyone else, not even those who can give me perfect insight into it. From my own journey, I came to realized that only a good spiritual friend can show me ways on how to deal with it with an open answer, inviting me to inquire, rather than giving me a close answer that makes me justify what I am already in, making my old ideas rooted deeper.

A statement from the world may mean anything, something or even nothing to me. But if a meaning was to arise in me, triggering a specific feeling in the now, I can be sure it is an old idea running in the system that needs inquiry – be it a pleasant, unpleasant or even neutral feeling. For the game of Freedom is not about feeling all these feelings, but rather to recognize that the feelings are what we are chasing after and to end these incessant addiction is to inquire at that precise moment what comes up from our attitude towards those feelings. It is a doorway to our way Home.

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