Positioning of my Experience

Whenever I am in experience, which is occurring all the time, where would I place my experience? Close to me, on the other end of my relationship or in-between? The position of the experience tells me my own integrity and responsibility I take upon myself. When I am upset, I observe that my experience is either far on the opposite side, or middle, and rarely close to me. I seldom realize that the experience is actually me, but instead want someone to take responsibility of it and thus project it upon them. In other words, I viewed that the person who is relating to me is the cause of my upset, hence placing that upset experience close to him, making him responsible for my pain.

And when I become more conscious of such act, I play the in-between game, making both of us responsible for the pain. I give the meaning that it takes two palms to clap and thus it cannot be me alone that is causing the pain but because of him or her that initiated that pain in me. Doing so makes me experience half of what I am feeling and wanting the other too to be in pain. And if I don’t get to see what I am wanting to experience, I will scheme my way through to make the other suffer by either continuing the argument, blowing it up or if I failed, I will start a cold war with the other.

And when I find that I have made even with the other, I’d call it a truce and come to peace with my pain. But rarely did I get out from that guilt. It is just a matter of time I see the other doing that to me again. It is a constantly painful journey of attack and defence, repeating itself anciently over and over again – so obvious that it can be anticipated what is coming up next in my space and what I am going to do, in revenge, with addiction and not able to get out of it.

And when I finally see the pain of this unbreakable chain, I willingly come fully to my own integrity and see what is the cause of this matter. Could it be that I am missing the mark of each experience? Could it be that I am not seeing that the experience is actually me rather than to me or for me?

For that I have to turn the radar of attention inward instead of outward each time I am being praised, admonished, disapproved, blamed, whatever. There is something that I am not seeing other than what I thought is coming from “out there” other than me. Each experience is indicating a truth about me, except that I do not see further than that. I do not see what ideas run behind my experience. I do not see how my feelings have much to do with my perception. I also do not see how my perception has much to do with what I have judged or concluded in the past. There is an unquestioned history to all my experiences and to be awake is to undo all the history that blocks me from peace, from total freedom in each experience.

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