The Game I Played all by Myself

The more I want to be worthy, the more I am convinced I am unworthy. The more I want to get out of a situation, the more I am convinced I am still in that situation. Constantly I am not aware the “want” I have is perpetuating what I am detesting – ironic isn’t it? For I have not noticed by now that it is not from want, that I get what I want.

Want and don’t want is inseparable just as front and back of anything. There are not two things but one – depending on which perspective I take to see. When I want something I am already not wanting another, albeit unconscious. When I don’t want the feeling of unworthiness I am propelled to want worthiness – get where I am coming from? Thus, the more I seek the opposite, the more I am reinstating what that caused me to seek in the first place. The paradox is that when I notice with acknowledgment, face to face with what really is, I am reclaiming what I want. So if I notice unworthiness squarely, I am already worthy of seeing it without any opposing meaning attached. If it has been otherwise, I am back to feeling unworthy. Seeing it does not mean giving in to it, rather on the contrary, it is about not giving power to what we think can frightens us. It is a step of courage to see the true nature of these meanings as it is, thus revealing the unrealness of it – for that you become free from it.

So the more I want to be free, the more I feel myself trapped in what I am in. What is here at this moment is not a trap except my inability to be with it – thus the meaning ‘trap’ comes into the picture. The same goes with thought or emotion. Both are so called innocent; my “don’t like” makes me perceived that they are a problem to my peace or worst, the one who is responsible for my emotion is the culprit. I got it all wrong when I don’t see the reality of what I am luring myself into. I have to eat up what I have unknowingly gave meaning to.

The consciousness is an amazing creator of experiences. If I am unaware what this consciousness is churning out, what comes later is what I am attending to. Let your interest not be on the outside, for the consciousness is already doing that job irrelevant whether you have to be there or not. Let your life journey be awakened to the pattern of your consciousness, by knowing how it works – the insanity of misperceptions and mistakes that your consciousness has erred. Only when you are awakened to it, you are free to choose what is for your highest joy for by then you are aware that each experience are merely effects of what your consciousness churned out.

I am a fool
to be fooled by myself
over and over again
not seeing
I am doing it all
for myself, to myself
yet when I am finally
awakened to this foolishness
I am only to see
what was foolished was merely
an error, a misperception
which cannot be otherwise
within it, a nightmare it can be
without it, a cosmic joke it truly is.
what a jubilation!

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