Illusion to Reality

Surrendering is a tricky word. Many faith have mentioned this word over time in history and yet the word remains illusive. I ignored this word in the past as I thought the word “self-reliance” is more appropriate – later did I only realized that I was actually holding on to a egocentric definition of “having the ability to control or to take charge” instead of its true meaning of being.

The word surrendering tends to be misquoted for giving up or resignation. In the world of constant doing. controlling and acquiring, surrendering prone to be seen as a sign of weakness. To surrender in war is considered a sign of defeat.

Once my teacher threw a question that brought me to understand the word “surrender” better. He asked whether do we need to look to see; do we need to listen to hear? It was an unexpected question as I have taken both these senses for granted. What’s the difference between seeing and looking, or for that matter, listening and hearing?  Seeing is not your job, looking is yours. Irrelevant whether you wish to see or not, seeing is already taking place. Everything is capture through the seeing though your attention is not given specifically to it. I don’t have a button to switch off my seeing. I can’t stop seeing by closing my eyes as I can’t close my eyes at all, except closing my eyelids. Seeing is still taking place though I closed my eyes. There is no “me” involve in the seeing. I cant’ do seeing. Seeing is simply a part of nature.

What is “looking” then? When I look I manipulate my seeing outward, for in reality, seeing is arriving to me, rather than I “going out there” to see. I am conveying a conceptual experience though in reality neither is true – seeing simply takes place as seeing. But for the purpose of inconvenience in differentiating the experiences, I am sharing with you how I felt when I see and when I look.

Let me illustrate an example: If your eye-lids are closed, and I were to clap my hand, you seems to have a sense that hearing is “coming” to you. But if I were to invite you to listen to a specific sound, you seems to have an impression that you are “going out” to hear. Get what I mean? Whenever you involve yourself in a process, nature takes a thwarted direction, replaced by the nature of ego instead – the “I am”. Ego has its own specific way of functioning, many a times in opposition to the natural flow of nature.

Observed too that once ego is involved, you only pick up what you want to pick up – when you are looking, what is around the parameter of your look is blurred. A good example is like the autofocus function found in camera: everything around the focus becomes blurry when we target on a specific subject, creating a contrast between both. Whereas everything is sharp when there is no focus in particular.

Thus whenever I focus on an object or a situation, I am omitting a lot of details from my parameter. When I am not, I am able to see a wider scope of what is already here for me. When I “focus” on my work, I place myself outside, losing myself totally to it, oblivious to anything that needs my attention. When I am “aware” of my work, I place myself inward, fully acknowledging what is in my space, including anything that needs my attention. Why the need to focus when everything is already here for me? Does it mean when I don’t focus I am not giving attention? This misconception arises because I don’t realize it is the awareness that is important rather than the work that is important. When I am aware, I give fullness to whatever I am doing. But because I have difficulty sustaining my awareness the only way I know better is to focus and doing so I lost myself to it, including everything that is dear to around me.

What needs to be surrendered? Surrendering the ego and allow beingness to take over. Surrendering eagerness and welcoming presence to what is already here. Surrendering is getting myself out of my way and allow awareness to grow. I can allow awareness or ego to dictate. And that makes a difference between thy will be done instead of my will be done.

Surrendering is not giving up. On the contrary, surrendering is letting it be. Surrendering is giving presence to what is already going on. And even if ego is on the control, can I give presence to it without involving? And in the space of allowing, awareness naturally takes over.

Just came back from watching the movie Avatar. The computer graphics are superb – beyond words and expression. While enjoying the movie, something strikes me deeply – both the human and avatar world reflects my inner world – the egoic and the wise.

The ego has a destructive and wastage nature. It could not help not doing that for that’s its nature. So long as I am unaware of its nature I will express exactly what the ego is. I can’t not be angry while I am angry unless for that instant the wise part of me wakes up from that dream. I can’t not be destructive either. My greed for more and the aversion for not getting what I desire is in constant calling. This is my dream. I am the dreamwalker in this world of fear until I get a wakeup call away from this dream.

In this dream, the world I perceive is dangerous and harmful. I see everyone taking advantage of me, as if attacking my vulnerability. For that  I have to keep defending myself not to be hurt mentally or emotionally. I am holding an invisible mask of pretense most of the time. I am never at peace, constantly on alert, putting up a looking-good front. I avoid conflicts to protect myself. I am in constant lack, wanting more and amassing more. I am numb to stress as it becomes a part of me. My self-security is easily triggered and threatened by things around me.

Whenever I wake-up from this dream, the world does not seems to be what I thought. This world and the other seems in perfect opposite. Everything is possible, and there is a feeling of abundance everywhere. In this space there is simplicity – everyone is simply perfectly who they are. Their anger is just an expression of calling for love. Their desire is an expression of needing to be understood. They are just yet to wake-up, and there is no hurry, for their time will come. For me, there is just eyes of compassion, of love for everything. There is no eagerness to reach anywhere. There is contentment in each moment of being. Freedom and love is my essence. There is an infinite intelligence in this essence. and healing is its property.

The language I speak comes from understanding. Every word I express is from the level of authenticity. There is no harboring of fear or pretense except openness and love. Every experience is an experience of wisdom.

I am toggling in both worlds and I saw myself more in the wake-up world.  The reverse seems to be occurring. The dream in my sleep is more stressful. Which is real?

Into eternity, where all is one, there crept a tiny, mad idea, at which the Son of God remembered not to laugh. In his forgetting did the thought become a serious idea, and possible of both accomplishment and real effects.
– A Course in Miracles (T-27. VIII.6:2-3)

It is so funny when I reflected those years where I got pissed off by Christian-like materials with words like Son, God or Holy Spirit which I will just chucked away without questioning. Obviously I was deluded and arrogant. When I was reading the above sentence over my lunch awhile ago, from the 1st of the 7 books of Journey Through the Workbook of A Course in Miracles by Kenneth Wapnick, I was observing the conversation going on in the mind, while concurrently reading the statement. I saw the level of understanding at this point of my life matches the verses that is written. But wait a minute. I am not reading the text literally per se or am I baptized or taken refuge into a certain specific faith that inclines me to believe entirely what I read.

What I was experiencing in that brief moment of reading is the data in me matching what is been read.  It is like a diagnostic program deciphering what it is going through moment after moment. At the end, there is a satisfaction of what has been read. It was indeed a strange experience upon hindsight as there is no me that is doing the work except an automated impersonal momentum. The closes definition of “me” at that moment was the awareness itself.

But there is a stranger experience to that. There is a deeper understanding to what I have blogged prior to my lunch on I am not upset for the reason I think it is. The last sentence from A Course in Miracles rings so clearly to me as if the Holy Spirit or Wisdom is trying to expressed what is been said: You are free to believe what you choose, and what you do attests to what you believe.

The ideas that I have accumulated in the mind throughout the endless journey of life – beliefs that are accumulated from my upbringing, race, culture, education, political, world, religion and spiritual experiences – becomes me. As such what I believe I attest to what I do, in this case, understanding what I read. It was a revelation of some sort. Who “I am” are mere ideas. A very serious one too as it makes me think “I am” real.

Interestingly the last sentence attracted me: In his forgetting did the thought become a serious idea, and possible of both accomplishment and real effects. Let me share what I understood from my past experiences (ideas) :) . I am always amazed by the word sati in Buddhism. All the while I have been taught its translation was “mindfulness”. Later in my life I was been given a new insight into the meaning – not to forget. Whenever I remember not to forget I am propelled into the present moment recognizing that awareness is already doing itself rather than awareness or mindfulness is my doing.When I was reading the last sentence the word forgetting matches the data bank of not to forget – like a search engine. Again, what I believe from my direct experience attest to what I read.

The next inspired sentence was “… the thought become a serious idea” – this is what I experienced in my dream in the blog The World, an Illusion – Unveiling the Truth – I realized that when I am unaware, unconscious to my presence, the thought of that moment turns into a reality, a world of its own, in a holographic experience. This is what dreams are. And it can be a serious matter as everything to me at that time becomes vivid, and, tangible – I experienced everything as seriously real! All because of an idea of that moment!

Coming to the last sentence: … and possible of both accomplishment and real effects. This reminds me of what was said in the book Your Immortal Reality – using illusion to get out of illusion. Though ideas or views are basically product of mental illusion, yet it is also ideas that bring us out of it. Thus it is appropriate to recognized what are Right Views and Wrong Views. In the Noble Eightfold Path the Buddha put Right Understanding or Right View as the first. Right view can bring about accomplishment into the undoing of the Ego. And yet, views can also be a nightmare leading to causal relationship of past, present and future depicted by the meaning real effects – if it is a wrong view.

Indeed wonderful!