Just awhile ago while I was sitting in front of the computer, a thought came to my mind whether I should be blogging today. In the past I have experienced many reasons that prompt me to blog – from wanting to pass time, to wanting to share, to keep up to having a blog a day – an ego trip, to pen what is in my mind, to articulate my feelings, etc. Every one entry that is seen in this blog has something behind it, that is not seen or known by the reader – including myself, many a times. This something is the thing that is propelling me to do, to keep doing throughout the day.
I was early for an appointment yesterday and it turns out that the person will be late. I saw the mind gets agitated, restless, wanting to do something to “overcome” time. It has a meaning that waiting is a waste of time – get a book to read, probably fix the automatic car sunscreen that has stalled for quite awhile, arrgh…. should have brought the laptop to blog, the eyes moving from one area to the next, trying to look for new things to entertain itself, fingers fidgeting, body moving restlessly from one posture to the other, complaints coming up in the mind: why is it so hot here – a thousand one thing running through the mind. Is that what I am living for each day – doing, doing, doing – simply because the mind is ever restless, making meaningless demands, occupying time with agitation and frustration, camouflaged by meanings of “doing good”, “have an aim”, “think positively” – whatever it is – just do something to “spend time meaningfully”.
A couple came over last night for a chat and I saw the same incessant doing in them. It was like watching a movie, playing on realtime. It is not about the couple – it is about the mind that is finding an avenue to express its frustration. The conversation is polite, jokes, and humors but behind it all, the mind is finding ways to express its restlessness. And while observing all this, I saw the mind in me wanting to join in the “fun”. As I watch, another meaning pops up, seeking approval – just speak anything instead of being quiet, so as not to feel awkward or left out in the conversation. And many a times the stuff that came out from my mouth is not what I wanted to speak – it is just to make me feel good – to hide the vulnerability of discomfort and uneasiness arising from the meaning of “not wanting to look abnormal”. It can be a simple gesture of approval, of yes, or no – but that is not what I wanted to say – but at that point, I thought it will be harmless to flow with whatever what other people wants to hear. Just approved them and get on with life. What is going on in the mind?
Is that what I am living for each day? What I am doing to others, I am doing to myself. Keep feeding the mind whatever it wants and move on. And shucks, it accumulates each day. Each day is an understatement – it is going on and on, every second, every moment. As I step back and watch the scene of the mind, internally and externally, there is a timebomb, ticking in each and every one of us – either as a mini explosion of simply being upset, frustration, resignation or probably doing something to kill the flame like window shopping, clubbing, gossiping or many more seemingly “harmless” activities, or as a major explosions of insinuation, fight, harming others or oneself, or worst entering into depression.
Is there true happiness, or simply happiness that is defined by the proportion of bearability to the glaring mental dis-ease, hidden away from the surface of the mind? Is that what life is? When will I give time to make peace, to make freedom out of all these addictions of mind-made dis-eases?
This is my inner vocation – coming into peace with myself. Only in this peace can I give peace to the world.