Generous only by Appearance

I came out from a session of acupuncture this morning and when I was about to pay for the service, I noticed that the mind was uncertain whether to pay for three or two. I came along together with Lai Fun and Alice and both have different meanings to me. One is a wife and the other, a friend. To each meaning the mind gives, I noticed that it churns out its own priority. As I continue observing this strange behaviour of the mind, I also notice that there was a conflict happening within it – whether to pay or not to pay for Alice, my friend. It suddenly dawned upon me deeply the many meanings that my mind has of this world – and all these meanings gives richness to the glamor of priority and preferences about the world. It was never about money though but priority – what if Alice is my sister; what if Alice is someone I adored? Meanings give priority. It is important to realise, if you have not already realised, that meanings are but, still meanings – yet it has such powerful impact in our perception. They are unreal in reality except conceptually. I am not saying they do not exist, yet yes, they do not exist in higher wisdom or reality. But at this moment of realisation, it is what it is – so unreal the meaning is in my mind.

After a moment of that realisation, I chose to pay for Alice. Not that I want to be generous or that I’d like her to see me as generous, or even to rescue her from her need to settle the fee – I was simply doing myself a favour of transcending what is untrue, as not to buy into the belief of priorities. Do notice that there are lots of stuff going on behind those priorities. I call them conditionings which we may not be aware of. To name a few, there may be meanings of lack, of to each its own, of I am not supposed to be stingy, or guilty and many more strange meanings that we have taken on as gospel truth in our journey of experience. The question I always used to ask myself is – if the treatment is truly my entitlement, is it relevant whether I pay for it myself or by another since all the modes of payment are merely means to what I am to experience?

Thus the question of generosity came to mind. Is there generosity in the above experience? No. There was only an intention to give up the meaning of priorities. It is not a giving from the space of joyous abundance – hence, I could not see it as generosity but rather a giving from my giving up of my mind’s meaning. In that moment, I came to realise there are different levels of giving. Giving from giving up our meanings, giving from adhering to a certain value, giving to save face, giving to increase the ego, giving from seeing another a victim, giving from pity, giving from compassion, giving from fear. Still, the ultimate giving is when you no longer have any more meanings of priority, which includes the giving to yourself. This is when unconditional giving arise herein.

Anyway, as Alice tries to repay me for the fee I have made, I reminded her that she was doing a great service to me by accepting the fact that I am simply doing it for myself and not because of her. And as weleft the healing centre, I suggested that I treat her breakfast. Looking at me dumbfounded, I told her I just felt generous to share what is in my space. Well, whether she feels guilty of receiving or not is another matter altogether…. :)


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